May 10, 2003
Logan's Birth Story
The following contains the birth story of my son Logan. The following may contain graphic details, so consider yourself warned.Jay and I decided we were ready to try for a second child. I had a few requirements first. One, Jay had to take time off of work when the baby was born. Two, we were going to use a midwife if financially and physically possible. Joseph was a particularly tough pregnancy and birth, and I was unwilling to do that again. I knew it could be a different way, and I was determined to find it. Jay agreed, and so we decided to try. I was ill prepared when it took us less than a month! Our Joseph was conceived after over a year of trying! I was sure this would take longer. Of course then I had second thoughts, but it was a little late then ;)
We found a midwifery group covered by our medical insurance. It was the only one, so we had to travel into downtown L.A. to see them. To me it was worth it. I refused to be a lab rat a second time. For those full details, you can read Joseph's birth story. When we went to our first appointment, I knew we had made the right decision. They could take me with my unique internal defect, because they gave birth in a hospital, and had doctor's to refer me to if necessary. I was only examined vaginally once during my pregnancy, and that was the very first appointment. I took my own urine tests, and weight, and told them the results for my chart. My blood was tested a little more than they normally would, but that was because I had gestational diabetes with Joseph, so they needed to make sure my blood sugar stayed normal. It did. So, in all, I never felt all poked and prodded, and examined, and shown to students, like with Joseph. They didn't give a second thought to my internal defects, except to watch for premature labor. And they didn't make me feel like a freak. As a result, this pregnancy went SOOOO much smoother, calmer, and more comfortable.
The entire time I was pregnant, we were just hoping for me to make it to 36 weeks. Well, 36 weeks came and went. After that, it was anyone's guess as to whether my uterus could make it to full term. I went to my regular weekly visit on Monday, May 13th. Jay told us all he thought I was going to go into labor on Wednesday. Hillary, one of the midwives said one week. I said I would go overdue. At that time I was 39 weeks. I was really swollen in the feet, and it was really starting to bother me. Hillary suggested going swimming somewhere. That sumberging myself all the way sort of allowed all the water in my body to leave, since gravity it such a non-issue. We decided to try it. It was hot, and I was miserable. My friend Amy has a pool, so we asked if we could borrow it the next day. Amy said that wasn't a problem.
The next day, Tuesday, May 14th, we went to Amy's house. I spent a couple of hours in the pool. Granted it was early evening, and I was getting cold, but frankly it felt so good. I didn't feel heavy. I felt light, and it was heaven to get the pressure off of my back and hips. I wished I had done it sooner! Earlier in the day I had lost my mucus plug, or at least part of it, but I knew that it could still be 2 weeks before I went into labor. However, I went into labor the same day with Joseph, so I was monitoring how I felt carefully. Because of the shift of water pressure in my body, I had to pee a lot. When I first got out of the pool, and went to the bathroom to change, I had to pee. While on the toilet, I lost more of the mucus plug and had a contraction. I was in there so long (getting out of the pool and dealing with gravity again was more difficult than I thought it would be), that Jay came to check on me. I let him know what happened, but tempered his enthusiasm. I didn't want to get his hopes up. After that, everyone was sort of watching me like I was going to explode or something. A ticking time bomb.
On our way home from Amy's, I had two more contractions. I knew these were not braxton-hicks. They were too painful for that. I actually had to breathe through them. I told Jay that I really thought it would be that night. He had some work to get done that night, so he went ahead and went, and I told him I would call him if anything changed. My parents were taking care of Joseph so that we could go to Amy's and I called them to have Joseph spend the night. That way, I wouldn't have to wake him to go over there if I was really in labor.
I was still having a lot of mucus coming out, and I wasn't sure if it was my water or not. I called the midwife. Betsy was on duty. She said it sounded like it might or might not be. She said to try and get some sleep, and to call back if the pains were 5 minutes apart, at least a minute long. So, I went to bed. However, I had a couple of contractions, while I was half asleep, and really hated that. It was like I was in the middle of a nightmare that I couldn't get out of, 'cause I was in pain - but asleep - and it was like I couldn't escape it. So I got out of bed. I was better able to handle them then. At that point they were coming about 45 minutes apart. About 2am, I decided I couldn't do it alone anymore. I called Jay home. Lordy, but he got there fast.
I didn't need him to help me through them yet, I just needed him to be there with me, so he took over writing down the times, so we would know their intervals. When they were about 20 minutes apart, Jay decided he needed sleep to get through the next day with me. I understood since he works nights. I kept track of the contractions. When it got to 10 minutes apart, I woke Jay, and we decided then would be a good time for me to take my shower. The shower slowed the contractions somewhat, so we waited for them to get back up there. Boy did they. I started to need Jay to help me through them. The contractions would come, peak, and I thought I would be fine, then it was like the would peak again, and I'd start to lose it. Jay was there for me, and he would get me calm again. I found that the breathing helped me stay focused on something else, and Jay kept me focused on the breathing. And on relaxing, otherwise I curled my hand into claws. We called Joelle, and let her know where things stood. She decided to meet us at the hospital when we decided to go. That was fine with me. Although I knew all along she'd be there, it was like this was private time between Jay and I before the medical establishment put their 2 cents in. So, I was glad she wasn't coming over to the house. Eventually the contractions had been 5 minutes apart for an hour, so we called Betsy. She said she'd meet us at the hospital. We called Joelle, and we took off. We left for the hospital about 6am.
There was considerable traffic due to rush hour. Jay was getting ticked. I told him he needed to calm down for my sake. He wasn't driving crazy, but the drive was really hard on me because I felt every bump in the road. And getting through contractions while trapped in a box isn't my idea of fun. But, eventually we got there. The parking lot is across the street from the hospital. Uh huh. I hadn't thought this to be a problem, until I got out of the car. The baby had dropped lower, and there was a LOT of pressure down there, making it difficult to walk. I had to lean pretty hard on Jay. We had been told to go through emergency, and that we'd be escorted to maternity. The front doors of the hospital were closed during the night and early morning as a security measure. They looked really put out - so I'm not sure, but I'd be willing to bet that the front was open. But they put me in a wheel chair to take me upstairs. Joelle was there too, she made it. I was incredibly unhappy and uncomfortable, and I hate being a spectacle, which is exactly what I felt like in being pushed in a wheel chair. But I wasn't about to try to walk either. I knew that wouldn't work. As we made our way through the halls, I just looked down. Those bumps again. Finally, we made it to my labor room.
I was told to get undressed, and put on the hospital gown my the nurse. We were also ordered to put my bad in the closet. Joelle worked on that, and Jay helped me change in the bathroom. Blood work was taken, blood pressure taken, and my midwife came in. She took a quick sample of that fluid that was coming out, to look at it under the microscope. Turns out, it was just all mucus. A LOT. No fluid. I was however, in labor, so it didn't matter. The nurse put a lock in my hand, just in case they needed to start an IV. I thought I wasn't supposed to get an automatic IV, and I told her so. She said that I wasn't, this was just in case. I didn't want it, but I didn't have a choice. And really, it wasn't that big a deal. But she couldn't find my vein. She was making me bleed, and she was starting to make Jay PISSED. She finally got it. Nobody ever listens to me when I tell them they should use the little needles. They then proceeded to attempt to do a monitor strip... I didn't have a choice, since it's hospital policy to get a baseline. However, I was supposed to be free from it for the rest of the time. That's when the fun started. Logan was so far into my pelvis that they couldn't get his heartbeat. They could only catch snatches. We were having this problem the last couple of weeks at my appointments. So they kept trying. And trying. And trying. And it hurt. And I had to sit on this bed through the contractions, in a really painful position due to my sciatica. It was killing me. This was exactly the kind of labor I was trying to avoid. I don't know HOW long we did this, but I was THISCLOSE to asking for drugs at that point. Right when I couldn't take it anymore, my midwife (at this time it was Betsy) let me know I could get into the hot tub. Another wheelchair trip. I couldn't walk at this point. Jay changed into his shorts so he could join me in the tub.
I want to mention Joelle at this point. Poor girl. She kept trying to help me by touching and stroking me, like she saw in the video I made her watch. I wouldn't let her touch me. She finally got the message and helped in other ways. She gave me juice and water, fetched and carried for Jay. The reason I couldn't let her touch me was because she was too soft. It annoyed me dreadfully. Jay understood, and when he touched me it was firm, giving me a sort of grounding, and that's what I needed.
Back to the hot tub. It was warm, and the jets felt great. Plus, the jets made a constant noise, which wasn't annoying, and I could lose myself in it during contractions. I felt bouyant, which was heaven for my back. Jay got in with me. I should say, I was so thankful for that. I mean, birth is messy business, and that messy business was in the hot tub with us, and he didn't give it a second thought. He poured cups of warm water over my neck and shoulders. Joelle gave me juice. The only uncomfortable time was when Betsy needed to use the doppler, 'cause I had to get up a little. The doppler can't go under water. The first time, I leaned really hard on Jay to do it, and I didn't know why he wouldn't let me do that anymore. Turns out, I hurt one of his ribs. At first they thought it was cracked. But they didn't tell me, 'cause he knew I would be upset. The contractions were just as intense, but bouyed up as I was, submerged as I was, it was SOOOOO much easier. Between contractions, we were talking and laughing, it was good. I remember that as a good time. It felt good. I felt so close to Jay. He helped me so much. He says that he was much happier with this, since he felt like he could actually do something. I was breathing and moaning at some points. Eventually, though, I had to get out. I was getting too close, so we needed to get to the bed.
Back on the bed, they tried to monitor me again, but it was hard. We got the bed into the position I said I wanted to push in. When I felt the urge, Betsy checked me vaginally. This was only the second time. It's nice to not have someones hands in there all the time, when you're in your worst pain. I was 10 cm, and free to push. She told me to push at my own pace. And I did. Again, again, and again. Nothing was happening. Around this time, Hillary came in, my other midwife. Betsy needed to go, but she had seen me this far and didn't want to leave. They decided to break my water, since the pressure was a lot, and they were hoping that it would help bring the baby down. The pressure eased up a lot, but he wasn't coming down. Hillary thought that maybe if I tried to go pee, the pressure would ease up from the bladder and bring the baby down. During this time, Hillary had been sitting on a birth ball for lack of anywhere else to sit in the room. It usually is used to ease up back pain during labor. But it's not used during the actual birth. Anyway, they helped me up to a standing position to try and go to the bathroom. I took a step and the urge to push got to be incredible. I told them that the baby was coming NOW. They asked if I wanted to get onto the bed, and I told them I couldn't walk, couldn't move. So Hillary started moving stuff fast to the floor, and told me not to worry about a thing. She said that she'd catch the baby, that I just needed to do what I thought my body was telling me. So I leaned over the birthing ball, and held onto Jay's legs for leverage. Later, he told me I nearly knocked him over, since I was right at his knee level. He couldn't see the baby being born, but he didn't want to move, lest he throw me off balance.
Doctors have told me, in the past, not to yell through the pushing. Frankly, I find this advice idiotic. They say that the effort it takes to yell can be put into pushing. I however found power in the yelling. Kind of like those huge weight lifters that compete. While their lifting they're making all kinds of noises. I screamed. I screamed primal screams. Poor Joelle. She was unprepared for that I think. I tried to prepare her, but no one is prepared (unless you have had children before - or witnessed it) for the pain, and the noises that are made, the screams, or the sheer amount of blood and gore - all normal, but very disconcerting. I started yelling that he was tearing me apart, and for them to take him out. I had no drugs up to this point, so I was feeling every little thing, and I felt like my pelvis was just being torn apart from within. But the midwives, ever calm and so damn rational, said that the only way he was coming out was if I pushed him out. And I did. So, I gave birth to him, basically on all fours, over the birthing ball on the floor. Apparently word got around, 'cause the next day when the pediatrician came in, she asked if I was the one who used the birthing ball for a different use. :) Anyway, he came out, and immediately started crying. It was shocking how warm his little body was, sitting on my butt. I just sort of colapsed on the ball with my eyes closed. They clamped the cord, and Jay cut it. Betsy was so excited that she got to see the birth after all.
They helped me onto the bed and gave my baby to me. It was amazing. Anytime I wasn't holding him, he was crying, and when they would give him to me, he'd instantly stop. He wasn't like Joseph. He came out with his eyes open, but the whole time afterword, he just wanted to go back to sleep. I held onto him, and they gave me a shot in the thigh to bring on more contractions, to get the placenta out (I didn't have any pitocin or anything to help). I actually help onto Logan while that was going on. With Joseph, I was so out of it, I gave him to Jay, since I was afraid that I would drop him. But I was able to hold onto Logan through it all. I had no tears or skidmarks at all. I had two Tylenol to help with the cramps, and that's it (and that was the next day). Logan James was born on May 15, 2002, at 12:42pm. He was 6 lbs 7 oz., 18 1/2" long. I can't remember completely, but I believe his apgars were 9/9. Hillary gave the little man a bath. Jay completely disappeared to make some phone calls. His parents were on their way to pick Joseph up to keep him in San Jose for a couple of weeks (a huge help let me tell you). Joelle went home. Logan and I went to our "hotel" room. He was a hungry little munchkin and ate a lot. I bled a lot, but it was normal. We spent the night. Jay stayed home, so he could clean up the house and pack for Joseph, and meet his parents. They arrived about 4am. At about 6am (5/16) they came to the hospital and saw their new grandson. Pictures were taken, and they left with Jay to have some breakfast and then go take Joseph to San Jose. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye, but I really wasn't ready to take care of him, so this was a good thing. After they left, I asked the nurse at the station if she could take Logan to the nursery so I could take a shower. She said that it was okay, I could leave him in my room, and she could see and hear him (the station was right outside my room). I took my shower, and felt SOOOOOO much better, and clean. I felt like I had a little control, when I had clean hair, and my own clothes on.
The day before, a pediatric student came and examined Logan, and proclaimed him perfect. After my shower, a pediatrician came and wanted to look at him. I told her that he'd already been seen, and she said that she apologized for that person, that she had misunderstood the pediatrician's instructions. She said she would feel better if she examined Logan herself. She was REALLY nice, and sweet, so I said sure. While she was examining the baby, she clinched my liking of her, because he wasn't swaddled and being poked, and he was NOT happy about this. She just put a glove on and stuck a pinkie in his mouth, instead of just letting him be mad. No one ever did that with Joseph (he's had a couple of pediatricians), so she made me happy. He was fine for the rest of the exam. Then she gave me news that would change the course of our lives.
He had a heart murmer.
She said that murmers were fairly common in newborns, and for me not to worry. But she would feel better if he had an echocardiogram, and an electrocardiogram to rule out anything more serious. Okay. I tried not to freak out. Mind you, I just gave birth, my hormones are completely raging, and no one is there (Jay) with me. They came to take him away and give him his tests. They were going to do it in the room with me, but then they decided to do the standard hearing test at the same time, which is done in the nursery. While they were gone, I called Jay to update him. The baby came back. Jay came to the hospital. Logan's hearing test was fine. The doctor had already let me know that she was going to her other office, but that she would call with the results.
We got a phone call in the room from the doctor. I was going to the bathroom, so Jay took the call. I came back in as he was hanging up. All Jay got to say was "They're coming to take him to the NICU". All of a sudden the room was filled with doctors and nurses, and one of those bassinets that are all closed up with arm holes. I nearly freaked out. I grabbed the baby, and insisted on them telling me what was going on. They looked at us like, don't you know why we're here? Jay told them that he hadn't had a chance to talk to me, that the doctor had only just then called. He told me to let the baby go with them. I did, and then they were gone - with my child. I burst into tears. Jay told me that the doctor had seen irregularities with his heart in the tests, and they were taking him to the NICU for observation, and for the pediatric cardiologist on call to see if she could make a diagnosis. We were told to wait for an hour, so they could get him all set up. We did. Then we were able to to go and see him. At first I was okay. He was naked except for his diaper. He was on his back on a cushy warmed sheepskin, so he'd be warm. There was oxygen right next to his face, but not on it. Just kind of sending extra O2 towards his face. He had IVs, and electrodes all over him, giving him fluids, and sending electrical impulses measuring his temperature, respirations, O2 levels, pulse, and blood pressure. It was kind of scary. It was reassuring to know that I could touch him. So whenever he fussed, I would stroke his head (I was afraid of touching him anywhere else) and he would calm down. Sometimes he would need his pacifier to suck and he'd be fine. They kept trying to get me to sit down (I had just given birth after all, and my blood volume wasn't yet up to normal), but I refused. The reason being, if I sat, I couldn't touch him, since the bassinet was up higher than the chair. The cardiologist came to talk to us. She apologized for the rushed way they took him from us. She was concerned about the diagnosis, and she wanted to look at him herself, since if he was really bad, they would have had to start medication immediately. But, she said that the medication wasn't necessary, since he wasn't as bad an initially thought. He has something called Aortic Valve Stinosis, with a bicuspid valve. The particulars are too beyond me to explain in writing, although I understand. Basically his valve had two petals instead of three. And the Aorta was 50% too narrow. What happens is, the bicupspid valve won't allow the valve to shut properly, so, the blood backflows back into the left ventricle. But with this, although he will need surgery sometime in the future, he doesn't need it now, she didn't think. She did want him to spend the night (we were supposed to have gone home that morning) in the NICU for observation. They said that we could visit anytime/all the time, except for the hour of shift change, for security reasons. I could breastfeed, and they wouldn't feed him formula. After all this, I finally broke down, and they brought me a chair. I was trying really hard not to cry, since I don't like to cry in front of them, and I didn't want to look like a hysterical mother - I didn't want them to treat me like I didn't know what was going on. But I just sort of lost it, because I was thinking about his future. Open heart surgery as a child? Will he be able to run and play? Will he be able to play sports? What does this mean for my little boy? How will he feel when he sees his VERY robust big brother running and playing?? The cardiologist told us that with this kind of thing, he leads a normal life. He may not be able to play contact sports, such as football, but may be able to play things like baseball and such. We'd have to wait and see. She said that we could take him home after 24 hours if he did okay, and then see her again 2 days after that.
I needed a break, so we went back to the hospital room. All day, I had been trying to get ahold of my parents. Jay finally got ahold of him, and he said, "His heart", and he didn't get a chance to finish what he was saying. My dad just said, "We're on our way". I fell asleep before they got there. They were talking to Jay when I woke up. I stayed in the room while Jay took my dad, and then they came back and he took my mom, to see the baby. Only two people are allowed, and one of those people must be the parent. Plus, every time you go in, you have to scrub like for surgery, and then put scrubs over your clothes. So, they were able to see the baby, even though he was all hooked up. Eventually, they left. Jay stayed with me all night, although he got some sleep in my bed. I went to the NICU every two hours or so. I went one time, and the child refused to eat. I asked what was going on! His nurse on duty said that he seemed hungry, so she fed him some formula. I informed her that he was breastfeeding, and that if he needed me before the two hours, they were supposed to call me. She said okay, and that she was going to write it down, so that the next shift nurse would know, and that it wouldn't happen again. I'm was sort of sensitive about that, since Joseph couldn't nurse, and I wanted to nurse Logan if he could.
Feeding him was a little daunting. He wasn't hooked up to the IV anymore (although it was still in his hand, just in case), but all the other things were hooked up. And whenever I went to feed him, the cords would move, and the alarms would go off. That was fairly disconcerting.
Finally, we were able to take him home 24 hours later.
In my overall impression, I would most certainly use a midwife again, in a hospital setting. I would also use the hot tub. I think though, that if there is a next time, I will try a tub water birth. The water was so comforting, I think that I would rather just stay there for the actual birthing as well.
Logan continues to do well. As of my writing this, he is 3 months old, and thriving. His heart condition hasn't gotten worse, and so we're still waiting on surgery, which he will need eventually. But he's growing, and he's learning, and he's smiling, and he's healthy - so we're okay, and we're happy. I don't know whether we will have any more children, but this experience was sooooooo much better than the first. This was a good experience, and we have 2 beautiful little boys.
