May 2, 2000
5/2
Well, here it is... The first entry of this incarnation of Sparks and Butterflies... I don't have a lot to say except that I'm tired. Joseph will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. While he's not awake per se during the night, he's still waking up every 3 hours to eat. So he eats, I change him, I rock him, he goes back to sleep. But that's an hour gone. Then I hadd to pump milk for his next feeding (he can't latch on to my breast yet). Which is another 1/2 hour at least. Then I get into bed, and an hour later he's up again. Has anyone ever died of Motherhood?Jay's not a whole lot of help. He works nights, so most of the nights he's not here. When he is here, he must be the ONLY person on the planet who can sleep through Joseph's screaming. One good thing though - when he gets home in the morning, he can usually take over while I catch about 4 hours of sleep. Then he sleeps, then I take one more nap, then he goes to work. It seems like we're forever feeding, burping, changing, rocking, and then trying to catch a moment to sleep. Will we ever catch up?
My mother-in-law seems to blame ME for Jay's lack of sleep. I'm not sure I get that. On Sunday, we went over to their house after church, and I pumped some milk, so they had bottles, and then Jay and I took a nap. A long one. Something like six hours. When I woke Jay (because his cousin had come to visit, and see the baby), his mother got really upset with me. Said he could have slept longer if I had let him. Jay would have been upset if he hadn't been able to see his cousin. Besides - am I the only one raising this kid??? That's not the first time either. She and I actually get along, but I always feel as if I'm not taking care of him right. This makes me feel awful. I already have "issues" about me being a good wife. Jay says I am, and I don't think so. So when she mentions this stuff, it just makes me feel about 1 inch tall. Throw in sleep deprivation, and a brand new child that someone out there expects me to know what to do with, and I just feel like not worthy of anything. I'm probably taking things too personally again. For the last nine months, I've been very sensitive. I was pregnant. There was a hormonal thing involved. I was never, and still am not, sure when I'm being oversensitive, or when there really is an issue.
Sigh... I'm forever second guessing myself. When I was still using, I had so much confidence. When I got sober, all my insecurities came back. I know that I have to work that out, but I just don't know how.
Would you like some cheese with your whine?
