April 03, 2006

do the happy people lie?

Today didn't go to well.

Nauseous, chills, etc. I had a fever earlier. And stomach pains. It seems to have subsided.

Then, I had a couple of MIL emails that I just don't want to go into. And there was passive agression involved. Ugg.

And this whole adoptee miasma. I dont get it. I just don't get it. How could I have been fine for 31 years and then BAM! I'm not fine anymore? Or was the "fineness" a coping mechanism? I don't know. But a mother that I respect sent me a couple sites to check out for support, which I will do tonight when I'm home from work.

Really, that's all I want to do. I don't want to clean up the house. I don't want to watch TV, I just want to curl up under a blanket.

The weather isn't helping matters.

Sometimes, I really think I'm going crazy. Or that the obviously happy people around me are lying.

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5:41 p.m.

April 02, 2006


I'm very antsy and frustrated right now. I'm not sure why. I think it's because Jay talked to MIL today, and I've been this way ever since. "Issues" is such an understatement. And now, she's a client of our business, so I had to write an email with instructions and welcomes and yuck. But at least in that particular point, I had to be professional, although I'm keeping my distance emotionally.

But then, obviously not. Or else I wouldn't be feeling this way right now, right?


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8:24 p.m.

April 02, 2006

secra got me

I've been a reader of Footnotes for years now. And then she did this. On April 1st. She TOTALLY got me. I was going to continue to read her, and show my support, as I knew she'd been through a lot emotionally in the last couple of years. But, yeah - I thought she was nuts. Oy. At least my husband did do his annual I was fired... I was in a fight... I got pulled over.... Schtick on me this year.

Bravo, Secra - Well Done!

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11:07 a.m.

April 01, 2006


So, I've been looking up groups/songs I used to love to download now that I've joined the generation of iPod and iTunes... Birthdays are wonderful.

Um. Yeah, so. All I can say is NKOTB. It's a sickness.

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9:41 p.m.

April 01, 2006

business positive rant

I'm really loving our business at the moment. Oh, I'm sure it's going to get hard again, but at the moment we've got some momentum going.

No, no, this isn't going to become a walking ad for my business, this is just my journal. I'm gonna write what I'm thinking about. Today, I woke up from my nap, and the first thought was, "Oh! I get to work on the business!"

Yes, I am indeed a geek. Although Jay would tell you there wasn't any doubt.

but right now, we've got a good team behind us, we're actually doing the work instead of standing to the side wringing our hands, and I'm getting excited. Plus, I'm loving the products. I've converted our household so that we only buy our bown products through our own store. My latest obsession is my eyeshadow. My color is "prissy/pouty." I love it.

OK, I'm done ranting on my business now.

1 comments so far

9:02 p.m.

April 01, 2006

question on commenting

OK, so now that I have comments enabled, I have a question. Am I obligated to answer each and every comment? I'm looking for etiquette here. Say I have nothing to say to the person, it was just a "Hi - read you" kind of comment, am I obligated to say hi back? I don't want to be that chick out in cyberspace who's really rude to her commenters - so what's the "proper" thing to do?

2 comments so far

11:22 a.m.

March 31, 2006

a little bit tipsy

Okay - so I've had a little time to think - and a couple glasses of wine.


As I think about Jeannette's response, I think that I now know where my fear of rejection & confrontation comes from. I know where my lack of affection comes from. I can only seem to show physical affection for Jay & the kids. Everyone else MUST approach me first, and even then, I'm stiff and uncomfortable.

Anyway. When I heard about her response, it felt like a slap in the face. And, I felt unwanted all over again. And angry.

I think I can let the anger go. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't MAKE her remember. I can't MAKE her know. I can't MAKE her tell me. But the abandonment was pretty much felt in her statement. There was no sympathy, understanding, or even curiousity in her response. Just a sense of my putting her out, frustration with me for wanting to know, and dismissal of my feelings and concerned.

As I mentioned before, I'm very curious now if she'll pen any kind of response at all to me, or does she just go crying to her pseudo-mommy [how fucked up is it we both have the same pseudo mommy?] like a tattle tale? Thank God I decided to talk to mom first. Hello, awkward.

Other news... Jay's having a terrible time at work. It may be time to start looking again, I don't know. What I do know is that he's certainly not being paid what he's worth.

Joseph - still in constant trouble. Our follow up with the neurologist isn't for 2 weeks.

Work is crazy busy for me. Stuff is falling through the cracks, but it has to. I mean, I'm already doing overtime and I'm one person.

Business is going very well. We're growing. Our little income from it more than doubled this month, and it's getting bigger. I'm very pleased about that. One step closer to no debt.

I'm tired.

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10:05 p.m.

March 31, 2006

i guess she got the letter

So, I got a call from my mom. Jeannette got my letter and is pissed off that I wrote and asked anything at all. My mom, at first wasn't going to say anything at all, but then decided that I deserved to know.

"What the fuck does she care who her father is? He was a biker I met in a bar and spent a few days with. I didn't exactly get his social security number. Tell her to get over it!"

And, "I don't know where those kids are [my 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister], I haven't in years!"

So, um, I guess information will not be forthcoming. I will not know my origins. My guess is that she will not be writing to me. And judging by her reaction - as if I was the inquisition - to the first question I've ever asked her in 31 years, she couldn't care less about having any kind of positive contact with me.

I am curious, 'cause I wonder now what the reaction will be towards me (instead of towards my mom). Will she write back? I doubt it.

Well, at least now I can say that I tried to find my roots. I guess I failed, but I cannot say I didn't try. That's a good thing.

But it's sad. So very sad. I didn't think I was asking for so very much.

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3:38 p.m.

March 31, 2006

comments commence

PSA - I now have a comments section. You may now comment, question, hate on, love on, yadda yadda yadda for each entry.

Carry on.

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12:59 p.m.

March 30, 2006


the washer & dryer

the flower

my robe...in which I seem to look pregnant. or is that all robes?

I've never participated in this, so I hope I didn't cheat by doing it Thursday night... I'm a little swamped at work & I was afraid I'd forget to do it.

4 comments so far

10:10 p.m.

March 29, 2006


Today is my 31st birthday. I am 31 years old. Weird.

So, for my birthday, I took the day off work. I went and had my nails done. Then I went and had my hair cut. I had her blow it out and hot iron it, so I have straight hair! I will not be taking a shower tomorrow, so I can have ONE MORE day of straight hair. I love it. I love it love it love it. I don't remember if I've ever posted pictures of myself, but I have very curly, corkscrews, hair. If you attempt to blow dry my hair, you will simply end up with an afro. You must hot iron it as well. I don't own a hot iron, and I'm not sure I would have the patience. I'll post a picture later. Then I went and spent a gift card from my mother.

Tonight, I'm going to a brass session for a film, and spending time with my boss, her friend the studio manager, and musicians. Then I'll come home. A quiet but busy day.

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4:17 p.m.