December 10, 2005
the man i'm going to marry
I'm gonna take a clue from Carrie, and tell the story (it may take a few entries) of how Jay and I met.
Quickly through the awful back story of how I got to that point in my life...
I was abandoned as a child, and my great-aunt and uncle took me in (they are now my parents). I was a child of abuse, which has it's own issues. I was a very smart child, and the schools wanted to put me into the gifted program, but my parents decided against it, deciding I had already had enough upheaval in my life, and I should just be "normal." I was never normal. But I was a very good girl.
This went on all the way through school. Excellent grades, band geek, etc. I graduated and moved on to community college, as my parents couldn't afford anything else, and I didn't want the loans hanging over my head. In college is when the shit hit the proverbial fan.
Through high school, and then in college, I went out with Chris. I was 2 years older than him. We started going out when I was a junior and he was a freshman. We went out (with a few hiccups along the way) for 5 years, including our high school time and our college time. On my 21st birthday, we went to San Diego, by ourselves for the weekend for a little trip. When I was opening my presents, he proposed. I said yes, and was ecstatic. But, he wouldn't set a date. Unbeknownst to us at the time, we conceived that night. Later, when we found out, he told me to have an abortion or we were through. I had allowed my identity to be so wrapped into his, the thought of breaking up made me unable to breathe. So, I did. I was able to pretend it didn't happen, until 6 months later, when he broke up with me for the girl he was having an affair with.
He's married to her now, and has a baby boy, by the way.
That's when I had the break down. I don't know if technically that's what happened, but in retrospect I think so. I went into a terrible depression for about 3 months, where I only left the house when I had to. That's when I discovered online chatting. Which led me to one torrid little affair, which led me to raving.
When I got into raving, about 10 years ago, it really WAS underground. You couldn't buy glitter at the drugstore for goodness sake. You had to know someone. Anyway, when I discovered raving, I suddenly found a family. Whenever I went into a rave, everyone was very accepting and loving, hugs were bountiful. I didn't have to worry about guys groping me. I could dance all by myself, and nobody looked at me funny. That's when I got into drugs. I met many people - too many experiences to recount here. Suffice it to say, I became a drug dealer (I should say drug sharer since I never made any money), an event promoter, and had my own afterhours club. I was VERY much part of the scene. My boyfriend at the time was a drug dealer, who broke up with me and started going out with Joelle. I met her when I warned her that might not be the best idea for her. She's still one of my best friends.
Things came to a head when I had some drug dealer coming after me. It wasn't me he was after, but Eric, the ex (we were still good friends), but he went after Eric, he couldn't pay. So this guy's MO was to go after someone close instead. I called my parents and asked to go home. They said yes. My brother (the one who recently died, Robert) took one look at me and asked my mom what the hell was going on. My mom told him - she really only knows about 2% of the story, and we'll just leave it that way I think.
He asked me what my plan was. Eric's father was a pastor in the UK, and had pulled some strings here, and Eric was living in a church in San Jose. Since I didn't know what else to do, I told Robert I would probably head on up there. I was into the whole scene, Hollywood, L.A., Orange County... I knew it would be better to just leave. Well, Robert said to pack up my stuff and come home with him. He lived in Moss Beach, just on the other side of the hill from San Jose. I said yes. I packed his truck with all my earthly belongings, had $100 in my pocket and left, not sure what would happen.
Robert lived in a warehouse that he owned. I slept on paint scaffolding for 2 weeks. I lived on top ramen and potato chips (remember that $100?). I called Eric and he was livid I'd followed him. I quite simply asked him, where was I to go? After the life he very adeptly led me into? Did he have any suggestions? Joelle, who was visiting, came and got me for a visit/planning session. I was at the church dorm, and they let me stay on the girls side for a couple nights - and take a shower. When Joelle took me back, I had two bags of groceries with me. I realized I wanted to go back to that church.
One of the girls that lived there, a flight attendant, came out to get me, and I'll be forever grateful to her. She wasn't in my life long, but was instrumental in my life getting on track. Eric was there, which in retrospect wasn't a good thing. He eventually left to go to back to the UK. That, I think is where my life turned around. Eric, told me something once... He said, "M, nobody ever sees you, because you're always hiding behind me." He was right. After he went back to the UK, I never saw him again. He and Joelle eventually broke up. She and I remained friends. I remained at the church, not knowing what else to do or where my life was headed.
I took things one step at a time. I gave my life to Christ. I also gave up on men. I had had so many awful experiences with them. I won't go into the stories now, but at that point, I had been abused as a child, raped 3 times as an adult, and been addicted to meth for 2 years. I found Christ, and swore of men. Not as a potential nun, or celibacy or anything - simply because I didn't think men were good for me or to me. I didn't know what else to do with my life, but I had to take steps. So I enrolled in the bible college, got a job at the local drugstore, and started saving to move to Ireland, to help implant a new church they were building there. I volunteered at the church for my keep, cleaned bathrooms and such, and worked in the church bookstore.
One day in the bookstore, I was on the floor behind the counter playing with the manager's baby. Someone came up to the counter, and was buying a book on Acts. Deanna, the manager, was checking him out, and I happened to look up. I made eye contact with the guy, and something incredibly happened in my heart. There was an almost audible click in my head. We stared at each other. Deanna finished checking him out, he said thank you, and left.
I told Deanna, "That is the man I'm going to marry."
To be continued...
