June 30, 2002
6/30
Logan is driving me absolutely insane. It's midnight... No big surprise there. For the last two hours, I feed, I rock, he goes to sleep, I put him in bed, 5 minutes later he's screaming. We've gone through this ten times at least already. I cannot, and willnot sleep with him in the rocking chair. If I did that I wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow - and let's not forget I have to get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and run around after a 2 year old. I need sleep. Frankly, he needs sleep. I hate this. All I do is breastfeed and rock him. That's cool and all, but um, I also need sleep, and to pay attention to the house, and be a wife, and a mother to my other son. Sometimes, I envy the people who go to work, and then take the kids to daycare. The daycare people get paid to deal with it, and the parent gets 8 hours of adult conversation, and working their brain about adult things, and talking like an intelligent human being. But then again, they get to stay up all night with their kid, and go to work the next day. Been there, done that, that's no fun either. Parenting is hard. And so far it hasn't gotten any easier, and that makes me scared. I mean, can someone go psychotic from being a parent? Is that why we couldn't stand our parents as teenagers, 'cause they went nutso??He's crying right now, and I'm letting him... In the hopes that he will get himself worn out. All I want him to do is stay asleep. If he was just awake, it would be different. I've had those nights with him, where we stayed up all night, 'cause he was simply awake. But this crying and up down thing is really getting to me.
Okay, it's 1:25 pm and I've had sleep, and got the house cleaned up. Of course, everything looks better in the light of day. Infortunately, Joseph won't be spending any time at my parents house today, since they went to my uncle's house. But, I got a lot more done than I normally do when I have him all day.
I'm researching daycares, to try and figure out if it is worth it financially to go to work outside the home. I'm still trying to find a job from home. Hopefully when I finish school, I'll be able to do that a lot easier, but that's a long way off. And we really need to pay off some credit card debt and start saving. Plus, when Jay gets done with school, we will have massive student loans to start paying off. Yuck. But as soon as we start actually saving money that we don't have to touch, I'll feel better. I'll feel like we're actually working towards a goal. My mother apprently wants to sell everything and buy two track homes in Nevada. Hmm. Well, since we don't have the money for a mortgage, or the added utilities ANYWAY, we won't be moving anytime soon. But these are all long term goals for the future. But just thinking about these things is feeling good to me.
