May 31, 2000
5/31
Well. I wrote an entry recently that talked about my 6 week postpartum exam. I have been examining myself every other day. I'm not sure if I'm being anal, or if I am just trying to see if it's still there. It is. It's a lump that doesn't move around like my other tissue. I also found a sore spot that's in a different area than the lump, on the same breast. It feels like there's a bruise way deep down underneath. I found that yesterday, and it's still there today. This has me worried. I have a lot of stuff wrong with me and cancer runs in my family. I think this worries me more because I have a son now. If I am sick, I need to take care of it NOW, while i have a chance. I want to see my son grow up. I'm scared. I know I'm jumping the gun, but it's like I have to prepare myself. Just in case. I mean, my thoughts have run the gamut from "you're being stupid, don't worry" to "can I change my life insurance policy to go to my son?". I'm nervous, can you tell? I called my doctor and left a message telling her about the fact that the lump doesn't move, and the sore spot. I asked her to call me and let me know if I should do nothing, or go in for a mammogram. I hope she's able to call me today. I can't get this off my mind.I told Jay about it simply because I wouldn't want him keeping something like this from me, but I didn't want to. While my mind is going crazy, I don't want Jay to worry unless there's something for him to worry about. But again, I wouldn't want anything to come as a complete surprise to him either.
I haven't told anyone else about it either. But I want to. I shouldn't though. It wouldn't do to worry my mother either. They are coming up in a couple of weeks and depending on what the doctor says, I may tell her then. She's a very supportive person when it comes to medical things. She has had so many things wrong with her in the past, plus she knows about everything in our family. And, well, she's my mom. When you're scared, you want your mommy. Even if you're married, have your own children, and live 5 hours away. And she and I get along so much better now. I really want to talk to her about all my fears, except that she and my dad are on vacation, and I can't get ahold of her.
I need to just suck it up, and shut up, and wait on the doctor.
Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things...
