May 3,2000
5/3
Well... Jay had last night off, so he slept all day (from the work night before), and stayed up all night ('cause he would have anyway) with the baby. I actually got a full 6 hours sleep, all together! It wasn't broken up into one hour chunks. I'm so grateful for that. The only problem is - I'm a new mommy. I've got new mommy radar. So - Joseph was fussy all night, and it took everything in me not to get out of bed when he was crying and just let Jay handle things. He and Joseph need to learn about each other, and I need to show that I have confidence in my husband to care for him. So, I managed somehow to keep myself in bed. I put the other pillow over my head to drown out the cries. Jay must have handled things fine. In the past, he would come and get me to try and calm the baby. He didn't last night. Another bit of drama... I looked down at my hand this morning, and the whole diamond part that sticks up on my wedding ring was gone. Not just the diamond, the setting and everything. I'm completely sappy about such things, and burst into tears... Jay calmly said not to worry... He went into the bedroom and found it in the bed. How, I don't know - but he did. Now we need to make a trip to the jewelers. Joseph is 3 weeks old today. I have cabin fever. Jay and I haven't been alone. So, grandma is coming to babysit tonight, and Jay and I are going out. Probably to see a movie, and dinner. We'll also stop by the mall and drop my ring off. I need an excuse to take a shower and get dressed. I need to get out of this apartment. I need to spend some time with Jay that's not focused on the baby. Also, grandma coming over got our asses in gear as far as getting the apartment clean. Amazing what a guest (especially an in-law) can do to one's motivation! I have found that I have a love/hate relationship with my child. One minute I can be looking at him, and my eyes will tear up just thinking that any harm could come to him. The next minute, I'm wishing I could be that person who kills him! I get so frustrated sometimes, he is screaming at the top of his lungs, and I can't find what's wrong... He's not hungry, he's not wet, he doesn't want to be rocked, etc. I'm left with this quivering mess of a child who has found new decibals in sound waves. Usually right next to my ear. And when he's not screaming, he's doing some sort of bodilly function on me. He's done ALL of them. Jay - who changes his share of diapers - has yet to get hit my anything yet. What am I doing wrong? I swear, sometimes, I feel like a failure as a mother, and it has only been 3 weeks. I guess i feel completely inadequate. I begged God for months for a child - so he gives me one (3 but that's a different story). Now that I have my son... What was He thinking???!! Don't get me wrong. I love Joseph. With all my heart, soul, and being. I just don't know sometimes if I can give him what he needs. Babies need so much - and often I feel all wrung out. I think a lot of it has to do with sleep deprivation. One can always become a failure in one's mind after a night of no sleep. I know it will all work out in the end, and that he will prosper, probably in spite of me. I just need to calm down, take one moment at a time. And realize I will NEVER leave the house on time... So I might as well not stress over it.I'm still physically recovering from the delivery of Joseph. It's been three weeks... The standard thing is to wait 6 weeks, until after your postpartum checkup, to have sex. This is difficult for me. Jay and I haven't had sex in about 3 months. Before the baby was born, it just got too painful for me so we stopped. Now, I'm waiting for that 6 week mark. As much as I want to do it now, I know my body still has some healing time left. However... I'm horny. It's as simple as that. I find Jay to be simply the sexiest thing ever created. He can just look at me a certain way and I get chills. And he knows that. So, he procedes to try and give me those chills very often. But he's a very sweet, patient man. I'm scared though. What if it hurts too much. Women say it's like the first time all over again. What if I can't, or he can't or whatever? I'm extremely nervous. I feel like I did when we got married. We had had sex with other people when we got married, but not with each other. And it had been a very long time since I had been with someone. Same for him. A matter of years. But after we both became born-again, we decided to wait for "that special someone". I was so incredibly nervous that night. Scared. Terrified is more the word. What if I had forgotten how? What if he was really awful in bed - and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life? Now I feel like that all over again. This time though, I have stretch marks on 90% of my body, and it sags where I never knew a body COULD sag. I'm scared that it will hurt, but I'm also scared that Jay won't find me attractive anymore. I know I sure don't. Before I married Jay, sex was never that important to me. Fun, yes, but not that important. Now, however, sex is VERY important. I just feel that whole intimacy thing with Jay. It's yet another way for us to be close. And I guess I'm in fear of losing it.
I just wanted to mention something about my website. It's fairly new (very new), although I've been around quite a while. What I'm looking for is a simple, elegant site, clear, straight-forward and easy to read. So, I'm going to making subtle changes as I see fit. Just thought you might want to know.
