February 12, 2006


Joseph had another episode at school. I had to leave work early to remove him. Apparently he scared them and they wanted him gone. Really what scared them is the speed at which he got violent. I'm starting to get the passive aggressive, "have you thought of this" emails from my mil. For example, an article about how awful TV is for children. With a follow up email about how she didn't write the article and it's not meant as a condemnation on anyone (I'm the only one it was sent to), and she's just sending it for informational purposes. I turned around and sent it straight to her son - "From your mother." I'm not playing the game any more. If there is any correspondence will go through him. I'm done.

I've gotten into something really strange as of late. The blogs/journals of "birth mothers," women who gave their children up for adoption at some point, and they're now going through all kinds of emotions, trials, etc due to living with it. It's fascinating and heartwrenching and heart breaking. I don't truly understand my fascination. I've not given a child up, but I've lost through both abortion and miscarriage. I've not been an adoptee, although I wasn't raised by my biological mother, since she left me at 4. I don't get my interest in their lives, since it's not something I share with them.

Okay, perhaps that's not true. I think I'm fascinated because they loved their children. Perhaps they did what they thought best at the time, or were forced into it, or didn't know about resources available to them, or any of a host of other possible reasons. BUT. They loved them. I can honestly say that I don't think that mine did. And so there are these women out there who do. I didn't think that happened. All of a sudden there's all this pain out there that I didn't know was there. All these issues I thought was over.

I'll be 31 years old in March. I literally live next door to the house that Jeannette, my biological mother, left me at. I was four. She was my mommy, I remember her, she left. My mom (her aunt, my great-aunt who then took over raising me) has told her about me (she lives in Las Vegas). But she changes the subject. She doesn't actually want to know. I talked to her in July, when Robert committed suicide, but only about that. I have questions. Why did she leave? Why did she never write a birthday card? On the Christmas cards she now sends, does she only put "from jeannette and mike" (stepfather)? Does she actually know who my father was? The name on the birth certificate was investigated by the DA, because my mom couldn't officially adopt me due to her health conditions (but I was allowed to live with her under custody). They said that no one by that name on my certificate exists. Was I really a John's baby? I know she was rumored to take clients home after her "dancing" shift. Why did she never seek me out? Above all, why did she leave me? Why?

She is now in need of a heart transplant, or she will probably die in less than a year. She hasn't decided whether to be put on the donor list or not. She doesn't want to live on medication the rest of her life. I thought, surely, surely now, she'll want to clean up the loose ends. Surely! But nothing so far. Jay asked me if I wanted to go to Las Vegas and confront her to ask her my questions, since now, time is short. I said no. I've lived with it this long. What I truly want is for her to seek me out and want to tell me.

I don't think that's going to happen.

0 comments so far

7:03 p.m.