April 16, 2006

i feel like a mushroom

I haven't been writing the last couple days. I have a feeling I'm PMSing as everything feels very much towards the surface.

We've been looking at jobs for Jay. We're looking in California, Arizona, and Nevada, as those are the states that my parents' medical insurance can travel to, should Jay's career take us there. Honestly though, I don't see how they can move. I mean they've lived in the same house for 40 years. My father's a pack rat. All this stuff. My mother has kidney disease and life long heart disease. How could she leave all the doctors that she likes? It just doesn't make sense. But then again, he doesn't have a job anywhere yet. But I made him promise not to quit his current job until he finds something else.

As far as the search goes... I think I've found my older sister's birth registry. Of course, that's not her adopted name. I've got several irons in the fire as far as that goes. I don't even know if she was fostered out, or an adoption agency was in place. I've written to my uncle Tommy to see what he remembers, and just for memories of what Jeannette was like when they were young. I've written to a man who may be my father. Mike Mahaney. Possible. We'll see if I get an answer. I've also registered with ISRR, which from my research is the largest registry. I'm trying to take things slow - both for my sanity as well as from my ignorance of how to do these things.

Joseph's cat scan and EEG were both negative, which is a good thing. Now I've got calls in to the district psychologist so we can start behavioral testing, which the psychiatrist doesn't do. Hopefully that'll shed some answers.

I have certain things I can't seem to express. I'm very dissatisfied with my life right now in that I just don't feel I'm living it "right." I wish to be closer to God, live healthier, be a better homemaker, mother, and wife. I just feel like I'm not living up to the standards I feel I should be living up to. That's so very frustrating for me. Bothersome. I'm not sure what I need to do to fix it, other than to DO it. My first step, I believe, needs to be towards God.

To that end, Jay and I tried a new church today. I'm hoping it will become our new home church. Of course, today may not have been the proper example of the regular type of services, being Easter and all. But the timing just seemed to be right. What I mean by that is their just opening up registration for the new women's bible study, and a luncheon for May. It'll be a Beth Moore study, which I've wanted to do. It was just like invitations right and left that were meant for me, I can't really explain it. It's a foursquare church, which is a little more on the charismatic side than we've been in the past, so I'm still not sure. But first impressions seem to be saying yes.

Now, if we could just stop being cave hermits in our little dirty house, blocking out all sunlight - I feel like a vampire or a toadstool.

I just feel like we not LIVING our life, we're just passing time.

0 comments so far

9:03 p.m.

April 14, 2006

pressure cooker

All this junk is swimming in my head. All of these emotions and different things pulling me in different directions.
  • Work is terribly chaotic right now
  • Jay's job search
  • Joseph's diagnosing
  • Logan's heart is simply a constant worry
  • Money is always tight, and always a worry, and we're always being bugged about it.
  • My in-laws and the strained relationship.
  • My adoption related issues and search.

Everything's just pulling at me. Now, my mothing in law wants to fly down and have lunch with me and fly back. It's nothing we're going to solve in an hour. I mean, really? I don't need this right now.

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10:24 a.m.

April 13, 2006

referals

I don't know why I'm writing. I have nothing in particular to say, and yet everything to say.

I was looking at my stat referals. Interesting. Just 'cause I'm bored, here's a list of search terms that get people here:

  • insecurities+past [what does this say about me?]

  • if i release two eggs what are my chances of conceiving twins [Did I actually write this sentence somewhere?]

  • gynocological doctor

  • kung foo fighting chipmunks [snort]

  • gooseeggs on head [2 boys - what can I say?]

  • aortic stinosis

  • beverly+sallee

  • nutrisystems sparks [y'all know way too much about me]

  • chipmunk AND numchucks[they're popular! Snort!]

  • related:bradstreetgirl.blogspot.com [eh??]

  • "confront me if I don't ask for help" [again - eh?]

  • stories using progesterone suppositories [you don't want to know]

  • SPARKS AND BUTTERFLIES [Looks like someone was actually looking for me!]

  • aorta stinosis

  • beverly sallee

  • backbiting in the office

In addition, apparently some loverly online friends have me listed on their sites, and I didn't know it. Hello, Kristen, heatherrainbow, and Alicia. The rest are through my various rings and activities. Then there are many unknowns. Which means they've either got me bookmarked (that's so cool) or they just know the address by heart (do I know you?).

So - Do I know you IRL? If I do, please delurk.


I have another question... Nobody ever educated me on these rss/blogrolling etc things. Help?

More... those of you with a notify list - how do you handle that with the blog style - I sometimes post several in one day, and I don't want to flood the poor people.

1 comments so far

3:06 p.m.

April 09, 2006

a history

I talked to my mom. Jeannette is not interested in giving me my history, and I have a right to it. Mom agreed to tell me what she knew of my story. I'm writing it out below, so I don't forget any of it. Facts and identifying information will look like this.

When Jeannette's mother, Andra, died, and her father, Thomas Albert, went to Thailand [he came back after 17 years, and I knew him], Jeannette, along with her siblings [Tommy who I write to, Linda, and Rosie]were dispersed among relatives. I think they all started out at Grandma Kee's [who I was very close to] house. Jeannette was so out of control that grandma couldn't handle her, so Jeannette went to stay with her aunt and uncle, Larry and Dee [my parents].

Larry and Dee couldn't handle her either... Dropping out of school, staying out all night, and stripping. They gave her a choice. Straighten up, or they make her a ward of the state. She actually chose to go into foster care. Jeannette was made a ward of the state of California at about age 16. Dee told the social worker, please keep an eye on her. If you don't she'll end up pregnant - she'll think she'll find love that way. 2 months later she was pregnant. But wait - it gets better - that pregnancy wasn't me. I have an older 1/2 sister that was adopted at birth.

Mom was unclear of the details since Jeannette wasn't with her at the time, she only knows it was a girl. After Jeannette turned 18, she wandered back in and out of my parents lives, as families are wont to do.

Then Jeannette became pregnant with me. She told my mom that she met a biker at a bar and spent a few days with him. She told him pregnant, and he bugged out, and wanted nothing to do with me. The name she put on my birth certificate was "Mickey Mahaney," age 22. I was born at Riverside Hospital [no longer in existence - they shoot movies there] in N. Hollywood. I intermittently lived with her and with my mom and dad. Then she met DwayneThey eventually had my 1/2 siblings Lee and Stacey [Stacey was born at the same hospital as me in California]. We lived in New Jersey for a little while, and then came back to California (paid for by my parents) when Jeannette claimed physical abuse from Dwayne.

We lived here with my parents for a little while, but she was in and out. My mom finally got fed up and told Jeannette that she was making her life hell, and had a choice. She could decide to be my mother, and actually do that, and settle down and make a life for us, or leave totally, and my mom would raise me. Enough with the half in half out shit. Mom and I had gone somewhere, and when we came back, Jeannette had bought all new luggage, packed all her stuff, and called Dwayne to come get his kids. She was going to Las Vegas.

Dwayne came and got Lee and Stacey and offerred to take me too. My mom told him over her dead body. So, he took them back to New Jersey and Jeannette left and went to Vegas.

I grew up here with my parents. Jeannette came back once for my birthday when I was 5 (I don't remember). She came once when I was 7 (Thanksgiving in Las Vegas). And once more when I was 10 in order to try and buy pot off my dad (a bigger non-druggie you'll never find - needless to say he didn't have any). Despite those appearances, she never once wrote me (it was my job to get the mail). Never called me. Never contacted me. The rest of the story has been documented sparsely in other parts of my journal.

Things I Plan On Doing...

  • Find or at least identify my older sister

  • Search for father

  • Search for Lee & Stacey

  • Obtain medical birth records
  • 0 comments so far

    12:18 p.m.

    April 08, 2006

    Logan says

    I just have to record here a couple of things Logan just said to me, that I don't want to forget.

    "So, Bandits [one of our cats] died?"

    "Yes."

    "So, he lives with Moses?"

    -Apparently a bigger fan of Prince of Eqypt than I thought.

    Then he started singing "Twinkle Little Star" - except he can't say "twinkle" he can only say "tinkle."

    "Tinkle tinkle little star..."

    It made me giggle.

    1 comments so far

    12:12 p.m.

    April 07, 2006

    spf done

    This Friday’s theme…Take me off AUTO!

    1. Macro: take a picture of something ‘close up’. Don’t use your zoom, make sure you have good lighting and make sure you’re steady. If you have to, set your camera down on something and then take the picture.

    2. NO FLASH: try swiching the flash off and taking pictures of your stuff without it. It may take a lot of pictures to get the right shot, but open the windows and find artifical light to get it to work.

    3. Perspective: get up high or down low…either way, change the perspective of your picture..tilt the camera sideways. Change the layout of the picture. Instead of having the subject framed perfectly in the middle of the picture…move it to the left or the right.

    3 comments so far

    9:38 p.m.

    April 07, 2006

    spf

    Crap. With all the crapola going on right now, I completely forgot about spf. AND I can't improvise at work - no camera. So, it'll just have to wait until tonight.

    0 comments so far

    9:05 a.m.

    April 07, 2006

    check in

    There's not much to say about last night. The bottom line is, she seems to not want anything to do with me. I left it with my mom.

    I'll delve more into the issues I spoke about on my entry last night later. I just can't get emotional right now - I need a reprieve, plus I'm at work, and don't want to lose control here. A time and place for everything.

    But can I just say... I've got a wonderful husband. So very very supportive (and in a similar situation if you can believe that).

    Anyone who's read me for any length of time knows that this is not what I needed.

    0 comments so far

    8:45 a.m.

    April 06, 2006

    next time

    Just so I don't forget, since I don't have the time right now... The next time I write, I want to list why I'm angry, hurt, upset, sad... Actually list reasons why I'm all those things so I can try and start working through them.

    0 comments so far

    9:26 p.m.

    April 06, 2006

    honey i'm home

    Okay.

    Okay okay okay

    Jeannette & Mike (her husband) are on the way to my parents.

    There might be dinner involved.

    There might be SPENDING THE NIGHT INVOLVED!

    Perhaps I haven't mentioned it, but I live next door to my parents. Moooooom?? Spending the night? What were you thinking? Mom knows I don't want to see her unless she's willing to discuss my letter (which was very respectful by the way).

    I think I'll be holing up in my house tonight.

    And if she IS willing to discuss the letter and those issues...

    Oh Lord. I need to calm down, I'm headed into a panic attack.

    0 comments so far

    5:05 p.m.

    April 06, 2006

    yuck

    I have not felt well at all for this week. I don't know if my body clock is off due to the time change or what.

    I've been headachy, my body is sore. Like today, I went into work in jeans, tennis shoes, and a swearshirt. No makeup. Yesterday too. The most I can seem to do right now is be clean. My teeth even hurt.

    Maybe I'm fighting something off.

    As for the new design... I like it. It seems cleaner, less cluttered and brighter.

    0 comments so far

    10:01 a.m.

    April 05, 2006

    design changes coming

    I'm changing my design again, so things may look a wee bit wonky for a couple of days.

    1 comments so far

    4:38 p.m.

    April 05, 2006

    to be or not to be

    I had nightmares all night. Foggy ones, and I can't grasp it but I know I didn't like it.

    I talked with a support group via online chat last night. They were very welcoming, and I appreciated that, as I was rejected from another board. "You don't quite meet the requisites for membership to our group." This is of course after I told them I was just rejected by my natural mother. Nice. Serve the rejectee some more rejection. Actually it didn't bother me THAT much, just the irony made me laugh.

    So I emailed/chatted with Joe. He told me how to go about getting my birth hospital records. It will involve one of my doctors, so I'm not sure how I go about doing this. I am due for my annual pelvic, but I'll be going to a new doctor. Maybe I'll ask him. My current regular doctor would blow me off.

    Baby steps.

    Here's a kicker. Jeannette will be at my parents house some time tomorrow. She has to come to UCLA for some testing before she can be put on the transplant list for her heart. She's coming to see my parents.

    Her daughter lives next door, and she knows that. But I already know she won't come over.

    And now after her reaction to my letter, I know why. 'Cause she has no urge to see me. This provides a lot of conflicting emotions. Sort of like the Donkey in Shrek, "Pick me! Pick me!" while doinging around. On the other end of the spectrum, in my head I say, "Fuck you too, then, bitch."

    I may go to a healing weekend if I can save up the money.

    This has all turned into such a cluster fuck.

    2 comments so far

    9:13 a.m.

    April 03, 2006

    blog questions

    So, this whole blog thing is new to me... I've been journaling online for years now, but I've just recently switched to a blog format.

    So, a question to you out there. There are some blog terms that I haven't A CLUE what they are or how to do them.

    RSS?

    Feeds?

    Help?

    1 comments so far

    10:07 p.m.