March 19, 2006

quiz


What Chick Flick is just like Your Life?
created with QuizFarm.com

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10:50 p.m.

March 19, 2006

dear jeannette

The following is a letter to my biological mother, Jeannette. I haven't sent it yet. I'm making sure that it's what I want to do first, and making sure I have no more questions to add. It may open a can of worms in my family, but I may not get another chance - or the courage to do so. If she answers, great, if she doesn't, I know I tried.

Dear Jeannette,

This is a difficult letter for me to write. I, however, express myself better with the written word, rather than on the phone or in person.

I have questions. Youíre the only one with the answers to those questions. So, Iím asking you for answers.

I donít know whether youíll answer or not, or whether youíll remember, or even whether youíll tell me the truth. I simply donít know you.

This is not a letter of recrimination, or a letter requesting a reunion, or anything like that.

But, my mom has told me of your recent health concerns. I had always planned on asking you these questions; however, I had been waiting to my parents to pass on before I did that, in an effort to spare them pain. I still would like to do that, so I will not be telling them of this letter, or any answer you may send me.

ē Why did you leave? Nobody ever told me Ė or if they did I was too young to remember.

ē Who was my father? Mom said that they tried to investigate the name on the birth certificate, but such person didnít exist. I would like to know the circumstances surrounding my conception.

ē Do you know where Lee or Stacey are or any contact information for them?

ē Did you ever have any children other than the three of us, before or after?

ē Why did you never remember my birthday? I used to hope you would, and I would check the mail every year the days surrounding my birthday, just in case.

ē What is my birth story? I donít have one. When did you go into labor? Was it a natural or C-section? Did you want me at the time?

Like I said, this isnít meant to be accusatory. Itís just that Iíll be 31 years old, I have a family of my own, and the history I know doesnít start until about 4 years old for me. I feel I deserve to know my complete history, warts and all. I have an incomplete medical history, and both my kids and I have medical issues. Every time I go to the doctor I have to say, ďIím sorry, I donít know who my father is.Ē

I just want to know the truth, whatever it is. I donít want to risk never knowing because I didnít have the courage to write this letter.

You made some choices. You didnít abort me. You didnít give me up for adoption. In my eyes, you just left. I was left to the consequences of those choices, and I feel I have the right, after living with it, to know how it (and I) came to be. Iím an adult now. Iím all grown up, and have lived through a lot. I can deal with the truth as an adult.

My guess, as I have nothing else to go on, is that you went on with your life. That is to be expected. I donít expect anything from you, I donít intend to intrude. I simply want to fill in the holes for myself, so I can also move on. Thatís all Iím requesting. Iím sorry if dredging up the past is painful for you. Itís entirely possible the truth to be painful to me as well. But I would rather deal with that then the unknown for the rest of my life.

Please help me with this. Just sit down, and write out my history for me. One time.

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10:35 p.m.

March 19, 2006

a letter?

I think I'm going to write Jeannette a letter. Who knows if she'll answer it. Who knows if it'll open a can of worms. But, with her heart condition, what if I never have the chance?

I'm going to think on it some more.

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10:15 a.m.

March 17, 2006

issues

I keep wondering lately... Why now? Why am I so intrigued by first mom/adoptee websites? I'm not even technically an adoptee.

I think everything's coming to a head. I have this feeling that my mom is on her way out of this world. Yes, she has kidney disease, but it's stage 2 (which is really good). She is being tested for cancer, but the oncologist seems to think her readings might be wonky due to the kidney disease, and while he has to run the tests for due dilligence, doesn't think he'll find anything. But I just have this feeling. I can't quantify it, or explain it.

Jeannette, my biological mother, is also on her way out. She has a bad heart that was damaged by a viral infection years ago. She needs a heart transplant. She hasn't really decided if she's going to get one. She told my mom that she's not sure she wants a life in which it's all doctors and medication, etc.

I feel like I'm losing all my mothers - even though I don't really know one of them. I haven't seen her since I was about 10. And before that about 7, and before that when I was 4 and she left. I've spoken to her on the phone a handful of times. The last time was to tell her of my brother Robert's death (technically her first cousin), and the arrangements. I didn't want to, but I was trying to be there for my mom who'd just lost her son to suicide. Nothing at all was said other than the necessary facts.

Let's face it folks, she - who named me - spells my name wrong on corrospondence.

So, we not talking about some stellar cosmic connection here.

So, why do I feel this way? This feeling of doom hanging over me? I don't understand it, really. I think it may have to do with all my unanswered questions.

Who was my father?
Was it true he was a "client?"
Do I have an older sister lost to adoption?
Do you actually know who my father was?
Why - WHY - did you leave?
Why didn't you say goodbye? Or did you and I just don't remember?
Why have you not ONCE remembered the day I was born to me?
Why haven't you reached out now that you're dying? You're the last to know the answers to my questions!
Where are Lee and Stacey? Do you know? Do you know if I have any nieces or nephews?

I've been told that Jeannette is an habitual liar. But was that a lie fed to me? I was told all kinds of things, but was that told to me to make me feel better that she didn't contact me?

I don't like all this bubbling up. I thought I was well adjusted for everything that's happened to me in the past, of which Jeannette is just a part of. But all of a sudden I'm having flashbacks to bad things, bad times, bad memories. I have had at least 2 panic attacks - I think, since I'm not entirely sure what they feel like. I'm under a tremendous amount of stress at work and at home. Perhaps that's what causing the bubble up? I just hate the fact that I might not be as adjusted as I thought I was, that I'm not as in control as I was. I like controlling my life. It just feels so out of control right now, which means I feel like I'M out of control.

Nothing has turned out as I thought it would. I'll be 31 in 2 weeks. When does it get better?

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10:15 p.m.

March 17, 2006

siblings...

I've been depressed lately, about a variety of things.

Today, though, I've been thinking a lot about siblings.

I have three "adopted" (I was never legally adopted) brothers. Robert, the eldest at over 50, committed suicide in July. Larry, the next oldest, by all reports is doing badly, very addicted to drugs and alcohol. I don't see him anymore. And Gary. He and his family try to be nice to me, sometimes, mostly when they want something. Like babysitting. I just don't have the energy or time that particular relationship had.

Then I have half siblings. Lee, I think, is younger than me by about 18 months. Stacey, I think, is younger than Lee by about 18 months. We all have the same mother, and they share a father. When Jeannette left me, at around 4, Lee was a toddler, and Stacey an infant. I never saw them again. I was able to write to them after their father died (when Jeannette left they went to New Jersey to live with him, I believe). I remember them. To them, however, I'm just a name.

The adopted brothers were to far in age from me, as they were graduating from high school when I was a baby. The other siblings were too far from me both emotionally and geographically, since neither their father nor my parents, had any intention of promoting contact between us. I have memories of them, and of "us" and it makes me so sad.

I think I may have an older 1/2 sister that Jeannette gave up for adoption at birth, but I've only heard vague references, I have no idea if it's true.

So, as I sit here, I have potentially 5 living siblings of some kind, all of whom I have NO relationship with, probably never will, and feel like an only child. An only child who will be solely responsible for her parents in old age (which is coming soon it feels, as my mother seems to be rapidly declining).

I just feel very alone. I feel alone and abandoned by many members of my family. I realize that some of it may not be reasonable. But that doesn't soothe the child inside me who's so confused when "Aunt Dee" says, "Why don't you just call me Mommy. I'm your mommy now."

Nobody seems to get it. I remember my first family. I remember them, and it's as if I'm the only one who does. Everyone else wants to morph it into something else. It hurts being the only one who wants to remember and know.

I want to remember and know.

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2:35 p.m.

March 16, 2006

discomfort

We're building our business. In building the business, we've been absorbing ourselves in motivational tapes and books in order to really stay positive, get good educational information, and to try and keep negativity out of our lives. For example, although I stay abreast of most current events online, I will not watch network news on TV before I go to bed. I tried it a couple of nights ago, just to sort of calibrate, make sure I was doing the right thing - discernment and all that. In 20 minutes, I heard about violence, beatings, gang rape, false rape, and on and on. Not one thing to be positive about, not one thing to rejoice in. I went to bed to read my bible, and another book I'm reading. I had to get those images out of my head. They made me feel restless, angry, depressed... I shouldn't feel that way! I have things to rejoice in! While I'm terribly sorry for the people that were awfully hurt from the news, there's not one blessed thing I could do about their pain. So, I was right. No more news before bed.

But what I actually meant to write about is - I'm getting very uncomfortable in our business. But I also know that's a GOOD thing. For example, we've got 4 plans to show, possibly all this weekend! And Jay's doing a follow up today. But I just think, good grief! 4 plans! How are we going to do this? I don't have anough materials - too much! too much! But then I was reading one of my books, and it said that discomfort means you're on the right track. Discomfort means I'm on my way to a breakthrough. Complacency gave me the life that I don't like, that I don't want to live anymore. It follows, then, that my getting uncomfortable, getting out of that comfort zone, could very possibly lead to great things.

I do so want that.

God, keep making me uncomfortable.

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10:22 a.m.

March 16, 2006

my son is not your cross to bear

I feel for my son. I really really do. I don't know if he's just a "bad" kid, or if something's mentally wrong, or if he just has no impulse control... I don't know, and that's what we're trying to find out. But he's certainly getting the message from school that something's wrong with him and he's not wanted around.

He has a field trip next week to see a Curious George play. I'm waiting for the call that asks if it might not be better that he doesn't go. It's coming. I just know it.

I just really get the impression from everyone at the school that it's not that they're trying to help him, it's that he's their cross to bear.

I know what it's like to feel unwated and shunned. I so didn't want that for my children.

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9:59 a.m.

March 15, 2006

nocancernocancer

I think I'm going to use this format for a while and see if I like it.

I got my ring, it's beautiful, and the perfect size - and on my hand right now.

Had yet another issue with Joseph at school today. I don't even want to think about it, but suffice it to say, the principal was involved. Again.

My mother is in today getting her spinal bone marrow tested. For cancer. I'm trying not to think about that at all, or in any depth. My imagination's too good. I'll wait until there's some kind of word.

Our business is really starting to take off a little bit. "Oh the dreams they will dream..."

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4:19 p.m.

March 15, 2006

test

This is a test of the possible blog style.

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4:17 p.m.

March 14, 2006

insecurities

I so badly want to write, and have no idea what to say except for the boring minutia of my life.

Logan's stitches are out. That's a good thing.

I have a chiropractor appointment today...

See!!?? I'm boring.

Which is why I'm so torn about this. I mean write 5 times a week? And be interesting? I would have to do research! and be witty! But on the other hand I really really would like to do it. But I have to write a few entries on possible topics. This is going to take a while. And then I have to provide samples of previous entries of my own. Do any of you have favorite entries of mine that were - well - good?

I'm having a serious Sally Field moment of insecurity here.

And I'm considering moving to a blog format. Not sure. I may start experimenting.

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9:08 a.m.