October 15, 2005

the rant that keeps on giving

I've been away for a long time it seems... It's as if there are so many things running through my head in a bunch of different topics, and then when I sit to write about them, I'm a total blank.

I can't do it here, but I wanted to maybe set up three seperate blogs... My journal, tracking for my weight loss, and tracking my spiritual studies. But it looks as though I can't do that without paying more than I am here, which wouldn't be fiscally responsible right now. That or free accounts which have advertising everywhere blinking at everyone - which I can't stand. So I probably wouldn't update so that I wouldn't annoy myself.

Why don't I just do a topical update here for now, and then I may figure out how to do a set page for spiritual stuff, and then for weight loss, rather than an ongoing blogstyle for those topics.

To update:

Kids... Joseph is doing well in school. Logan is stretching his wings. I often feel like a mean mommy. I don't spend the quality time with them that I should, and I don't do certain things that "good" mommies do. I'm tired all the time, and they'll just end up fighting about stuff, and I end up defeated before I even try. I don't know how to break this circle. Maybe things might be a little easier when Logan is older. Things of that nature are easier with Joseph, although his temper tantrums when they happen are certainly more powerful. I don't know. I just feel so selfish all the time, but I don't know how to undo that? I don't know how to be a better mom... I think this is going to take some study on my part. However, a lot of the "how-to" "self-help" products/books/information are so darn holistic/touchy-feely that their either a total mismatch for my personality or touch on things that I don't believe in in parenting. Women is Goddess meets Earth Mother. I'm more analytical about things, and anything too intimate makes me feel gross. I know I'm holding on to baggage as far as that goes. Don't get me wrong. My kids get multiple hugs/kisses/I Love Yous a day. But to show you my personality, my mother complains that I never hug her. She's right. I don't. I feel very uncomfortable about it.

Wow that turned into a rant didn't it? But just to show you, my best friend grabs me and hugs me anyway.

'Cause I don't know if I should.

My best friend. My mother. The only people without complaints about THAT are my kids and husband. For some reason I have to problem with that (being touched) with them. ANYONE else, no matter how close, I have a problem with. It's almost like I don't know when it's appropriate. Is now the right time for a hug? And men? Forget about it. I know that's a result of the rapes. But still. My best friends' husbands all know to just come up and touch and hug - 'cause it'll never happen otherwise. Maybe Jay told them? I don't know. But I know they make the effort so I don't have to.

Believe it or not - I just don't know how all of that sounds, but i'm grateful for that.

Wow - I had no idea I was going to write about any of that.

Let's move on, shall we...

Work is one big stressball. We're facing layoffs at work. Again. I just faced that less than a year ago at my last job - which is how ended up at this job! I think my boss understands how my mind works though, because she took me aside last week to tell me I'm safe (she's part of the decision making team, so she knows who's going and not goin) and told me I'm "safe" and not to worry. She's probably worried I'd get an ulcer. So, while I won't be losing my own job, I'm probably going to see co-workers head on out. I'm so glad and grateful it's not my job to tell them. I realize that sounds selfish, but the truth of the matter is I'd probably get the ulcer from that rather than losing my own job.

Jay's job seems to be the same way. Not a layoff situation, but I think that makes it worse in his case. A couple people were flat out fired for job related incidents, a couple of them walked off the job, and it looks like still more might. Jay is trying to stay out of it. In his words, "Jay-Jay don't know nuthin'." He also seems to have a lot more of the backbiting and bad office politics than I do. Which is strange since I work in the entertainment industry and he works in architectural metals. Odd that.

I joined Weight Watchers - again. I'm really struggling with my weight, and I'm really struggling with staying on the program. I joined it because (jumping to next topic)...

My health isn't doing too well. It's really kind of bizarre. Those of you who've been with me a while know I have a birth defect called uterine didelphys. As a side effect of this defect, I usually bleed too much (like hemorrhage actually - ER, etc). Birth control pills really do help with the cramps and bleeding but - TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING - I bleed as much as 3 tampons an hour one of the days of my period. To put it in perspective, You're a normal woman with one uterus. Now double the cramps, and double the blood. Anyway, birth control helps, but causes major neurological migraines that starts to come on more and more frequently until I'm completely disabled (the migraines have the usual light sensitivity and nausea, but I also lose speech and vision - makes things like child rearing and driving and working and reading and writing difficult). So, before I took this job almost a year ago, I quit the birth control, because of the migraines - I certainly couldn't start a new job out like that. 6 months later like clockwork (can you tell I've done this before) the heavy bleeding started again. I hemmoraged again (about scared the crap out of my boss) while at work. She recommended her gyno, who, while an M.D., is holistic and homeopathic. Her thinking was, maybe there are herbs or something, since the regular medical establishment always says "hormones" and that's not working for me. So I went. Her bedside manner leaves a LOT to be desired. I did a hormone panel as a baseline. I was utterly SHOCKED! It was normal! So we also did an ultrasound. It turns out, I have fibroids. They're in a position that shouldn't cause any symptoms, and they're small. Fine. Then she told me to take an herb called Shepherd's Purse for the bleeding. She also told me I need to eat for my body. She said that I needed to do the blood type diet, combined with a cortisol (stress hormone) reducing diet, combined with a hormone balancing diet. I got so confused I joined Weight Watchers. I'm doing the core program which is more wholesome, less processed foods. Well, fine. However, it's now been 11 weeks since my last period. I usually go 5 weeks in between. So technically now, I've missed two. I've NEVER done that except when pregnant (and Jay's had a vasectomy). So I called the doctor. She'll never see you without doing a blood pregnancy test. Fine, I went to do the pregnancy test. Definitely NOT pregnant. When I found out the results, I asked that the doctor call me to let me know what the next step is. Wait longer? Wait and see? What? No call for another week. So I called again. This time, I was asked to do a pregnancy test (um, already did - oh!). So they said for me to make an appointment. Um, yeah. I called you - I'm on the phone - that's what I'm calling for. Oh. Well, she's gone on a conference. We don't have her new schedule yet. Call back on Tuesday. I'm truly considering starting the process all over with a new doctor. But that's the whole point. I'm not exactly a run-of-the-mill case, so NOW what. What's strange is, my gut is bloated. I've not gained more weight. I've lost a couple pounds in little increments, and my wedding rings are looser, but my gut is even more bloated, and kind of hard, not jiggly. So now what? I'm not sleeping well, I don't feel great. I'm fatigued most of the time.

I don't know what to think. Hopefully I'll have an appointment next week.

Since this is getting way too long... I'll just stop.

0 comments so far

7:51 p.m.