May 18, 2005

in search of...

Ok, so let's start out with the banal laundry list and then we'll move onto the meatier stuff.

The kids are doing well. Logan is now officially 3. They're growing up and turning into little boys in front of my very eyes. What happened to my babies? We had orientation for Joseph's school, and back to school night is next week.

Job is less hectic, but good. Jay is still loving his job.

Business is trying... We're motivated but it's still hard to build, though build we must and we'll keep going... We have dreams we're attempting to build.

I spent last night in the emergency room. Too much blood during my period yet again. My boss gave me the card of her gynecologist, who, while board certified, is holistic in her approach. So, considering my spectacular problems with hormones, migraines, hormone imbalances, and hemmoraghing, it'll be lovely to go to a doctor who doesn't want to give me hormones, or a hysterectomy (which leads to further hormones). Living in fear that I won't be able to drive home from work since my migraine has impaired my vision again is not an option for me. So, perhaps her holistic approach could help. It certainly won't hurt. I need a gynecologist anyway on my new insurance.

Now for the weightier issues. I seem to have embarked, without meaning to, on a self help mission. I've been feeling for a while that God seems to have left my life. I feel a spiritual emptiness. I also feel a physical emptiness, like my body isn't mine anymore. I feel lost. I feel like I'm in some sort of crisis for my sanity. I hit the breaking point the other day when I had one child on one side of the driveway, one on the other, both in full temper-tantrum mode, and I was late to work, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I sat down and cried myself. When I got to work, I IM'd Jay that I needed to leave. I needed out. So we decided I needed to find some sort of solution for myself. I got a book (see sidebar) with different ideas for discipline for the kids, since they just don't react the way other kids do, nor does the suggestions their doctors, grandparents, babysitters, parenting books, et al say they should. So, I'm hoping that getting creative will help in that area. Physically, I need to stop smoking, and I've felt a large urge to actually do it, which I've never felt before. I've started on vitamins. I'm thinking more about food from a nutritional standpoint, rather than a dieting standpoint. I was serious when I told Jay that I need to get away. I researched, looking for some kind of retreat, spa weekend, conference. Anything to get away. They all were either WEIRD (cleaning out my colon is NOT relaxation thankyouverymuch) or way too expensive. I finally looked into the next Women of Faith conference. I'd seen them advertised, but thought they'd be too expensive. It's not. On the early bird registration, I can get two days of conference, including lunch, for $99. Hotel for the night, $99 at a decent hotel. By myself. Jay said to go for it. I'm going in September. In addition, we're going to try a new church. It looks promising, and we're going this weekend. I'm reading Leaving the Saints (see sidebar) right now, and the author talks about this spritiual NEED inside of her. A mantra of, "please, please, please, please" in her being. I get that. I feel that. For a long time, I haven't been able to pray. And when I would try, the only cohesive thing I could think was, "Please. Help."

Suddenly, I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. What, I don't know. Spiritual awakening? A newer, better, more intimate realtionship with Christ? A better belonging in my skin? Peace? I simply don't know. I just know that I feel on the edge of something potentially good. I'm not sure what's going to push me over that edge, and I don't know what's on the other side of it.

I only know that for a long time all there was for as far as the horizon was a monotonous litany of emptiness.

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12:09 a.m.