January 31, 2005
alchera project
Have I ever told a lie? Of course I have. Perhaps a mental block, however, has prevented me from actually remembering any of the lies I've ever told. Seriously, I can only remember one at the moment. Nope - two. In one, I was about 7 years old. I had made a mess on the floor of my parents bedroom. I don't remember what the mess was of, but i covered it with the largest fabric I could find other than a washcloth - my mom's robe. I spread it on the floor over the mess. Later on, my mother asked if I'd done it, and I said no. Got punished for lying. I was actually insulted that she thought I lied. Even though I did - and it was painfully obvious, being the only child in the house, the cover-up job I did. But when I think back on it now, I think why was I insulted?? I DID lie!The other time I remember was a mixture of not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, and not sacrifice myself at the same time. I was about 17 at the time, and my long time high school sweetheart gave me a kitten for Christmas. Sweet thing to do, given that my cat had died/run away earlier that year. I got him home, and I realized something. I did NOT want to take care of another cat. My mother was decidedly un-cat, and my father thought they should be outside critters (hence the run-away/die thing), and I just did not want to deal with another animal like that. I took the cat back and said my parents wouldn't let me keep him. I didn't want the cat, but there was no way I was telling that sweet boy that. I blamed it on my parents. From then on, my boyfriend's father truly disliked my parents. I never told anyone that story.
I know I've told other lies in my lifetime. Is it the guilt that erases them from my mind? I definitely tell white lies. Such as, "Yes I LOOVE the new haircut" after it's been done, even if I don't. The woman has to live with it - I'm not about to tell her it looks hideous so she can feel bad about herself until it grows in! However, if we're going out and you ask about the outfit, I'll tell you the truth so you can change. But other real lies, the ones that may effect feelings or lives or outlooks? I can't remember them. That bothers me.
I do, however, try to live an honest life. My lying days I would hope are back in the drug induced days. Perhaps THAT'S the reason I can't remember them. I don't remember most of that two year period anyhow, much less stuff I made up!
