October 24, 2003

duh duh duuuuuuuh

I am very sketchy. Yesterday, the day went by like any other normal day. I had a vague sense of foreboading, but I think that always happens when you know something bad is going on around you, but doesn't directly effect you. We have some very serious fires going on, but they're miles from us, but I still feel uncomfortable about it, since we live in the foothills of the Angeles National Forest. You know, you start wondering, will it get this far? Is that actually physically possible? So then I leave last night. Because the days are getting shorter, as I left it was sunset. It was pretty in a purely asthetic kind of way. But it scared me. Then entire horizon was like a big leeoming omen. Just blood red as far as you could see. And with it still hot enough for the air conditioner in my car, it was just weird. And because of past episodes in my life, I've learned to trust my instincts. But my instincts were just weirding me out, due to the content. So I keep driving. I'm trying to hurry, as much as one can in rush hour traffic, since Thursdays are training days for Jay and I, and I have exactly one hour to leave work, drive home in rush hour (which is an hour in and of itself), change into my dobok, and get to class, including putting on my ankle and wrist braces, which take FOREVER. So I'm trying to hurry, you know, taking the open spots in lanes when I see them and such. Traffic was terrible. Which I wasn't expecting since it was so light on the way in. And then on one portion of the freeway, where I'm about 15 minutes from home, my windows were down, and I smelled this horribly overwhelming smell of smoke. Living in the foothills as I do, you know that smell deep into your bones. It's not a cigarette, a campfire, a bbq, or someone's fireplace. It's Fire. It was completely dark by then, so I kept looking everywhere for that tell-tale orange glow. I couldn't find it anywhere. The smell lasted for about 5 miles, and then it was gone. So I thought it was my imagination. Then all of a sudden the traffic going the other way on the freeway just came to a complete halt. You could see their stalled headlights for miles up ahead, and a sea of brakelights in the rear-view mirror. Then one, and only one, police cruiser went flying by with sirens and lights in the carpool lane. I never found out what it was, but chalk it up to another creepy experience. So I get home. When I walk in, Jay is standing in the kitchen with the lights out, just standing there, staring at me with red eyes. I freaked out, asking him what's wrong? What happened? Turns out he had just woken up and was just trying to get his head clear. Basically he was just zoning out. So, since my husband has seen my instincts at work, asked me if we should stay home. I poo-poo'd him, and we went. Had training, came home. Put the baby to bed. Joseph spent the night with my parents. Later when we were watching TV he looked up at me from lying on the floor, then he looked behind me, and got that look. You know the one. Something's behind me, and That's Not Good. Turns out he just thought he saw something, but nothing was there. I think I started muttering at him. So, we're watching TV and I heard something strange. I thought at first it was our neighbors. They like to sit in their very pretty front yard and have friends over, and chat on warm nights. Nothing loud, but our front door is right there, so I thought it was them, but their lights weren't on. So I muted the TV to listen. It was dogs. Barking and howling like you wouldn't believe. We don't have a lot of dogs in the neighborhood, and the ones that ARE there aren't the annoying bark all the time kind. But they were all barking and howling at each other at the same time, from all directions. It lasted about 45 minutes. TOTALLY creepy. Then they just stopped suddenly. We decided to go to bed, and Jay went outside, and he got the basball bat. This is our protection, since I won't let my husband get a gun. I asked him why. Turns out, he's had the "Something Bad's About To Happen" feeling all day today too. Thank God it wasn't just me. When I feel like this sometimes, it means I'm going to have a flash-back, so it was good to know that it wasn't just me. We went to bed, and nothing happened. I slept like the dead all night, but this morning I found out that during the night Jay had a nightmare (he NEVER has nightmares), and stayed up for about an hour in the living room, 'cause he couldn't get back to sleep. I still have that creepy feeling today and I don't like it. I think because we're having a triple-digit heat wave, and the Santa Ana winds are starting up. If you live in Southern California, you know what that feels like... Earthquake Weather. All of the big earthquakes we've had were during heatwaves, outside of true summer, during windy, dry conditions. So, I think that's what Jay and I are waiting for. We've got fires popping up all over the place, terribly dry, hot hot hot weather, with the bad winds coming up. Jay and I are going into wait mode. I don't like this feeling because that's all it is, a feeling. There's no true evidence behind it. But it's so very hard to shake. And Jay's working the picket line tonight, and I just know I'm going to have trouble going to sleep by myself tonight. I'll be worried that something will happen at home while he's not there, and I'll be worried about him there outside in the middle of the night, in an increasingly violent agressive situation.

I hate feeling this way. It's so stupid.

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9:16 a.m.