August 15, 2002

8/15

You know that you married the right man when he is sitting next to your two year old, giggling his head off at Shrek. Or, when you go to the theater to see Toy Story 2, and the little animation short with the mommy and baby lamp - before the movie starts - gets him giggling so much that you hope no one knows you're with him. And he's still giggling when the movie finally starts. Or that he's grudgingly sharing his Spaghettios with your 2 year old. Come to think of it... I have 3 kids.

Yesterday just got worse and worse. And it's shaping up like that today. Our car went in for repairs, supposedly for a 1/2 day, yesterday morning. We're still carless. Hmmm. And I have a pediatrician appointment today for Logan. And Jay threw out his back last night at work. And my parents took a day trip to Banning so, they can't help with Joseph.

I can't wait to start work. I'm counting the days. This must make me a bad mother. I know this, and yet, I know that I need to save my sanity. I'm looking forward to escaping my kids, and this makes me feel like such a shit. Pardon my language. I mean, I'm looking forward to not having all this responsibility for nine hours a day. I know that it'll make life difficult, and that I'll miss them, and that my housework still won't get done. But I can't help but feel relief. And this makes me sad. It makes me wonder if I'm made to be a mother. It makes me wonder if I'm like my biological mother. Don't get me wrong, I'm not leaving them, I'm in it for the long haul, and I love them. But the thought of having more makes me cringe in terror. What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to want this. I lived my whole life wanting lots of kids. I don't understand. And it all makes me so sad. They deserve so much more than me. I'm so impatient. I don't understand how Joseph can give me such love. Or how I can calm Logan better than others. Because most of the time, I just feel frustrated, and sad, and upset, and more frustrated. I hate feeling this way. I hate the fact that I don't think I like being a mother. It scares me. How can I give them the best of me? And yet, I must be doing something right, since my parents, who see me all the time, and Jay, all think I'm doing fine. Is it all in my imagination? All I know is that I hurt inside. I feel like I'm letting my children down all the time. I mean, Joseph doesn't get his teeth brushed as much as he should, and still has 2 bottles a day, and is still in diapers, 'cause I can't figure out how to potty train him. How can I teach them what they need to know to get through life??? How am I going to handle it when Logan is in the NICU again, this time for open heart surgery. It could be tomorrow, it could be ten years from now. But how am I going to hold myself together, if I can't even deal with the day to day?? Does every mother feel like this - or am I an aberration?

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1:19 p.m.