April 4, 2002

4/4

So, we're already in April. That's hard for me to believe. My little boy turns two in less than 2 weeks. That's really hard for me to believe. He had a nasty spill today on asphalt. I'm usually not to concerned. I mean I know what to do in most emergencies, and unless it's my own blood, I do very well in emergencies - calm head and all that. Today, however, I was looking through all my medical books finding the stuff it had to say on concussions, 'cause I just didn't know if he had one. It was that bad of a fall. This child is going to be giving me heart attacks in the future I can already sense it. My next question is... what do I do when I have Joseph running one way, and this baby running the other, and it's just me. Joseph has officially learned the word, "no". This has turned into the all time favorite word - whether he means it at the time or no. It's driving us up a wall. I never thought this would run through my head, or come out of my mouth - but things like, "I'm the parent" and "because I said so" have started coming out. Uh oh. I'm feeling very distant from Jay lately. I think it's because we are very literally away from each other most of the time in some way, shape or form. He's either asleep, at work, or at school. I feel like I'm alone so much of the time. My parents spend a lot of time with Joseph, so I really am alone, not just without adult companionship. It bothers me, but this is the way it's going to be for the next two years, until he finishes school. I don't see how to fix it, either. To be honest, he's perfectly happy parking himself in front of a video game, and I'm too exhausted from the pregnancy to care. Maybe I'll be able to make suggestions, and think up ways of sparking things up (conversation, time together, etc) after the baby's been here a few months. I'm not naive enough to think it'll happen before that. I remember the zombie like state I was in the first two months after Joseph was born. I'm still looking for that elusive job. No leads, although I scour and scour. I'm still moving forward in my schooling. It doesn't seem like I am, because the current section I'm in is soooo long. But I do at least a lesson a day, so I really am moving forward where that is concerned. I actually did something along the lines of ettiquette and all that jazz. I ordered pre-printed birth announcements for this baby. I didn't do that with Joseph, I bought the kind that you write in the information. I really ended up disliking them though, and decided to go another route this time. Etiquette in the niceties and social things in life are just not my forte. I've never been exposed to much of it in the past. I've never had a birthday party, bachelorette party, wedding shower, or baby shower. Nor have I planned one for someone else. In fact, we eloped with our families for the wedding itself, so I never even planned invitations. So, this is my first induction into formal etiquette. I finally found a design that's me. An adorable watercolor announcement that has a little boy on it pulling a wagon. In the wagon a baby is peeping out. Basically the announcement is Joseph announceing the arrival of his baby brother. It's so cute. It's watercolor as opposed to a bright primary colored card. And most of the card selections that are out there are "vellum and ribbon". SOSOSOSO not me. Anyway - now the question is - after the baby is born, will I remember to let the printers know the information. A problem I'm having in my life right now is a little hard to describe, and I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. I am a Christian. I've been "saved". I do take it seriously. But right now, I feel very very distant from God. I know that I believe in what my denomination claims about the Bible. I believe in the basic tennents, so I know that it is not disbelief causing this distance. I don't feel God's abandoned me, so that's not the problem. I know, at least in my mind, what I need to do to fix the problem. I need to set aside time for prayer and devotion or Bible reading everyday in order to have quiet time with God. I understand this intellectually and from my past actions. But I can't seem to motivate myself into doing it. I think maybe part of the problem is our church. When we moved here, we started attending the really close church that's of the same congregation as our old church. But I just don't feel like I belong there. But I hesitate to go to another church. You see, the next nearest one is almost an hour away - and I can guarantee that we won't attend. The other churches in our area aren't of the same congragation, and in and of itself, that's not a problem. While we belong to a group of churches it's a "non-denominational" Bible believing church. But they teach the Bible in a certain way, verse by verse, chapter by chapter, instead of topically. So I feel like I really am learning from the Bible, as opposed to the minister's particular interpretation of the Bible in a whole topic. So, I'm afraid to try the other churches, for fear that I'll get sucked into one that makes me upset. I grew up in the Southern Baptist church - with my grandmother - and hated it because of the hypocrisy. As I grew older, I realized that you're going to have that no matter where you go, because you're still dealing with human beings, who to the best of my knowledge will never be perfect. However, that particular church was full of them. I'm afraid of falling into that trap. But I can't seem to meet anyone at my current church. I think that if I actually met some people, I wouldn't feel like an outsider. We've lived here now almost a year. We've only gone to church a handful of times, because we don't feel we belong. Perhaps that's just a process that take some time - and consistency in attendance? Anyway, while fellowship with other Christians is necessary to keep up my relationship with God, it's not the only thing. So I need to follow through on the other stuff. I really do believe whole heartedly, but the way I'm going right now, Joseph's not getting any religious training. Yes, he's very young. Too young, really. But I certainly don't want him to walk into Sunday School when he's 5 years old and the words, "Jesus", "God", "Salvation", "Prayer", etc. to be foreign to him. That's a reflection on me both as a Christian and as a parent. I believe it's my responsibility to him as both to teach him what I believe as a basis for him. I know he wouldn't necessary follow it - but I think teaching him my beliefs is better than no beliefs at all. The world is confusing enough as it is, without some spiritual guidance, no matter what it is. And I don't want him to fall into something that's going to lead him down the wrong road later on. I know it may be unavoidable - but I've been there, done that. I should be taking whatever steps I need to take now, for his sake. I had no idea that was all going to come out. Everything else in my life is pretty much same as always. The baby's due anywhere from April 21st to May 21st. I might actually go to term. Anyway - it's soon. Other than that, my life has been about housework and homework.

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12:57 p.m.