March 8, 2002

3/8

The pregnancy is going well. I'm about 30 weeks, so this one is due anywhere from 6 - 10 weeks from now. Maybe sooner, but we certainly hope not. I've been having Braxton-Hicks contractions, which is normal, but one night I had a contraction wake me up. It was painful enough that I had to breathe through it, which was kind of scary. So I went to the bathroom (it was the middle of the night, and I had woken up - OF COURSE I had to go to the bathroom), and went back to bed, and I didn't have another one. That scared me though. Other than that, everything's fine. No diabetes!! I also have come to terms (it only took me 7 months) with the fact that I'm going to have another baby. And I'm finally looking forward to it. Joelle (my best friend for those who don't know) wants to be in the delivery room. This girl is 22 years old, and didn't even see "The Miracle of Life" in high school. She's never even babysat. So, I'm going to have her watch some birthing videos. Birth is a very gory, bloody mess, and completely natural. But if one doesn't know what to expect, I can imagine it would be very scary. I remember the doctor telling Jay - who was completely white faced - that that much blood was completely normal. And he HAD seen the birthing videos. It's different when you're faced with someone you care about losing all that stuff.

Jay is going to be starting school in 10 days. It's going to be hell for the next 2 years. More if you count trying to pay off the student loans then. But, this is good for our family. And maybe then Jay can stop working in manual labor. And do what he loves to do. Everything is an anxious jumble in my head. We only have one car, am I going to get a job, have 2 kids in daycare, will I EVER see my husband? I just really need to take one day at a time. I wish I felt closer to God, but for some reason I feel this distance from Him that I can't seem to cross. I know the distance was caused by me. Perhaps it's because I don't feel comfortable in our new church? Anyway, I feel that all this might be easier to bear, if I felt closer to Him.

I've tried to do the whole Flylady.net thing, and it's just not working. Mostly because I just can't seem to start my routines. I really need to. When I do do it, I see the difference it makes in my life and home. I just really need to commit to it. I find that if I have an organized home, then my mind id organized, and Lord knows, I could really use that right now.

Last night, Joseph woke up. He doesn't do this very often, so we brought him into bed with us. But he would NOT go back to sleep. I kept getting nice wet kisses all over, and I heard him talking to himself in a very low whisper. One time, I reached up and scratched my head. When I put my arm down, I felt this little hand reach up into my hair, and scratch my head for me. It was adorable. I finally had to get up and make a bottle and put him into his own bed. I just couldn't sleep with him in there. As a result, I was up from about 1am - 4am. Yuck. But hey - it's going to happen every night for about the next year anyway. I guess I can chalk it up to practice.

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12:56 p.m.