June 19, 2000

6/19

I did it. I signed up for Nutrisystems. I want to lose this baby weight, and I think I need some motivation. I was successful on Jenny Craig a few years ago, and this is less expensive. I hope it works again. I asked Jay if it was okay with him, too, since I'll be spending out money. He said that he didn't care.

We're all sick. Even the baby. The poor little thing. Since it's a viral infection, there's not much we can do. Antibiotics won't help. So, we just have to take our cough medicine, etc. till we're better. The baby, 'cause he doesn't feel good, just wants to be held. I hope it doesn't get any worse, like become an ear infection or something. Tonight, Jay works, so I'll be on call with a sick baby all night. Even with Jay, I didn't go to sleep until 12am, and I got up at 4am. Ugg.

I just found out form my dad that Freeway, a little mutt my parents have, is at the vet's. Dad found her on the freeway when I was in 4th grade I think. Needless to say, she's rather old. I'm not sure how I feel about this. She is so old that she probably won't make it home. But for some reason, I don't care as much as I should. Perhaps it's because I haven't lived at home in 4 years. And I was never close to this dog. But still, I feel like i should care a little bit. It makes me feel like a cold person, and I don't like it.

Which brings me to another point. I'm rather dispassionate about Joseph being sick. It's not that I don't care, or don't take care of him, I do. But it's sort of in a robot mode. The only thing I can think of is that it's my defense mechanism. If I get too upset, than I won't take proper care of him, or I'll panic, or my overactive imagination will take over. Perhaps this way, I can just take things as they really are, and not make them out to be more. Then again, part of it might be that I myself am sick. I just don't feel good enough to make it a big deal. But, I suppose I just need to take one day at a time. As long as I know that I'm caring for him, and know that I love him, I'll be all right, and so will he.

Will I ever stop second guessing myself as a mother? Does any mother stop second guessing herself?

That's not rhetorical. Email me with an answer if you have one. Or even if you don't. I'd like some other perspectives on the subject.

Had another one of those in-law days... I ask her not to use baby powder, she uses baby powder. I ask her not to put him on his tummy, she does. And it goes on and on. Am I his mother? She literally snatched him from my arms tonight, 'cause she thought she knew what he needed better at the time. She could have asked, "Do you mind if I try.....?" Instead, she literally just said "Give him to me!", and took him. I was too surprised to do anything. I just tried to remain calm. This isn't something to start a family war over. This is just the way she is. The sooner I realize it the better. She is going to continue to feel that she knows better. Yes, I know I'm not perfect. Yes, I know I don't know nearly as much as I could. But I'm a new mom, and I'm doing fine. He's fairly healthy (we all are sick at the same time), he's getting his shots, his medications, his doctors appointments, his bathes, his bottles, his blankies, his playtime, his snuggles, his diaper changes, and most of all - his love. I am trying to do things that make him develop as well as have fun. He's ahead in almost everything for his age. He's doing wonderfully for being early. I just don't understand why she tries to make me feel like such a failure. I don't think she means to make me feel that way. But she certainly second-guesses me, as well as disregards me as if I didn't speak. Jay even agrees with me. We've already talked to her, so we just don't know what else to do. I love her, I do. We have a decent relationship. I respect her. Jay says we're way too much alike. Hmmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess we all just need a little more time to grow into this parenthood/grandparenthood thing.

and so it goes...

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11:05 a.m.