June 11, 2000
6/11
I think I *may* be getting the hang of this mother thing. Maybe. I could be feeling this way because Joseph smiled at me for the first time today? Today was the first real smile for me. But it ended up being 5 of them. I never felt like that before. Jay always says that his favorite thing is to make me smile. Gosh, I wonder how he'll feel when Joseph smiles at him? I hope I'm there to see it.My first real week at work went well I think. I was rather tired, but nothing I could'nt handle. I'm handling the work load as well. I'm glad of that. It felt good to be back. I don't have as much guilt about leaving the baby anymore. I miss him throughout the day, but I feel good knowing that Jay is with him.
I'm still having run-ins with mil about the baby, but I'm more able to put my foot down in order to do what I (the mom!) think is best for him. It helps because Jay backs me up. He's a good go-between, but he also backs me up with what I and we think is right for Joseph.
My parents came up this weekend. Let's just say I'm glad their gone. They really stress me out. A lot. But they were VERY happy to see their grandson. It was their first time since he was born. He's grown so much.
I'm really thinking that I can do this now. I get really stressed out, but I also am starting to figure out how to handle it. I get so scared sometimes about whether or not I am or will be a good mother. I don't want to turn out like my mother. I don't want to turn coniving or manipulative. I hear stories about people who turn into their parents. I want to Joseph to be able to look back on his life and say that he had a happy childhood. I want him to come to dinner or visits or holidays with us, and not dread it, or feel he is obligated to JUST 'cause we're his parents. I want him to want to spend time with us. Jay would tell me to take things day to day, and make the best decisions that I can.
That's the best course I think.
