May 15, 2000
5/15
Sometimes I get so mad at Jay. He works the night shift. So, he needs to sleep during the day - fine, I understand that. But if he needs some sleep, then he's no use. None. I took care of Joseph all last night, which is no easy task. Then I had to take care of him today, all day - again, no easy task. Joseph is going through some sort of growth spurt, and is eating constantly, and being very demanding. This should only last a few days, but it's hard on me when it does, 'cause his whole schedule changes. I had to go to do some errands today, and to a lunch date for someone, and I just needed Jay to watch the baby while I took a shower. That's it. He kept falling asleep on the job. Therefore, the nipple kept coming out of the baby's mouth, and he'd start screaming. I'm NOT one of those mothers who do it effortlessly. I need Jay's help!! He stayed asleep all day, and then got an hour and a half's sleep before he went to work tonight. Sheesh. I hope this gets a little easier with time. I can't take another 18 years of exhaustion.I'm looking forward to going back to work in a way. On the one hand, I'm dreading it, and I don't want to leave my child, even though he'll be with his father. But then again, I think having somewhere else to be, somewhere else to go, will give me the edge I need. I've noticed that when I have a break, I'm much more calm, and more sure of myself, and not as ruffled with Joseph when he is fussing. He needs a mommy like that. I really hope this works out. This is an experiment that Jay and I decided to try. We need our paycheck, and can't afford childcare. Plus, we have some very firm spiritual beliefs, and we were afraid those teachings would be compromised, as time went on. So, Jay will work nights, and I'll work days. And hopefully we will be able to remain a family. I just hope that Joseph doesn't forget who I am. I have to admit to a bit of jealousy. I love my husband, and I love my son. I hope this works out.
