February 13, 2002

2/13

It's been so long since I've written, I don't know what to say. I guess I'll just update on all the major areas in my life. Jay and I are doing well, as far as our marriage goes. Still chugging away. Jay got transferred to a different store, which is farther away, but so far he seems to like it. He had a lot of personality differences with his former boss, so this could be a good thing. He was transferred because the former person in his position got fired, so they needed someone right away who knew what they were doing. We've also sort of set up a schedule in our house for his sleeping, so we seem to be seeing each other more which is certainly a good thing. Joseph is doing well. I really hate to say this about my own son, but I really don't think he likes me. The child is downright violent with me. I can't seem to understand it, and no one else seems to be able to either. The people who see him everyday (Jay, my mom, my dad) all see this, and don't understand the problem. I'm hoping that this is just a phase that he's going through. Terrible two's?? My mother says that the terrible two's are a myth, but I'm not sure I agree with her. What results from this is a daily clash of wills that just leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. And wondering, how the hell am I going to take care of another one??? Not that there's anything I can do about that at this point, but I still wonder. Other than with me, though, he's a charming, sweet, precocious young man. My favorite thing about him is the fact that he loves to just walk up to his daddy (when he's sitting down) and give kisses on the top of his head. Jay's head is buzzed, and Joseph just loves to hug and kiss it. Absolutely adorable. On the financial forefront - looks bleak. I finally found a job, telemarketing. I absolutely hate it. Today was my first day. I truly hope it gets better. My manager assures me it will, but I'm not so sure this is for me. So, I'm going to continue to look for another job. We also made a decision. That perhaps my problem is that I need to get trained in another field to work from home. So I started going to school for medical transcription. It'll take about a year to complete. I've taken 4 exams so far, and have gotten all A's so that's a good thing. I'd be much better at that than telemarketing. But so far, it's a job. Working from home wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be. I had no problem being disciplined or anything. I had to take a break, since Joseph had a meltdown (didn't want to take his nap, and showing just how much he needed it), but other than that it went smoothly. Now if I could just be as disciplined in my housekeeping chores. But alas, that seems to be my true downfall. My pregnancy so far seems to be going well. I'm 27 weeks along. And (drumroll please...) we're having another little boy. Everything looked good on the ultrasound. It turns out I'm extremely high risk for pre-term labor, through no fault of my own. The midwife said that there's nothing I can do to prevent it, although keeping hydrated seems to help. You see I have Uterine Didelphys, which gives me a hgh chance already. Plus, Joseph was born at 36 weeks, which heightens my chances with a second child as well. So, we just have to keep our fingers crossed. I'm so far from being ready, it's not even funny. The only reason I'm partly ready is because we kept everything from Joseph. I just haven't had the energy to take inventory and go through storage, and wash everything yet. Or maybe I'm just in denial. But I wasn't ready when Joseph was born either (sort of anyway - he came early and so I was caught off guard) but even knowing that hasn't helped me get off my butt and get ready. I think we've come up with a name, but we're still trying it out. This is also the 4th name that we've said that about, so who knows. I don't think we will until the baby is actully here. The other area in my life that I'm having a problem with is my spiritual one. We haven't been going to church. Really it's only been sheer laziness on my part. Jay usually works on Saturday nights, so he's too wiped out to go on Sunday morning. I can go by myself (with Jay's complete encouragement), but then I have to get Joseph ready and there and to the nursery, and in and out of the carseat, and it just seems like such hard work, when Sunday morning rolls around. All of that sounds terrible I know. I do. And I feel so far apart from God right now because of it. I'm trying to make a concerted effort to step-up my prayer life which seems to be helping. Well, there it is - the grand update.

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12:15 p.m.